Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sometimes, Life Throws You A Rotten Lemon

. . .  And just you try making lemonade with rotten lemons!

Was watching a tv show last night where this boy gets reunited with his mom after 18 years, having not seen her since he was just a toddler. And I thought what a sweet moment that was, and how it gives one hope. And then it hit me: I'm never going to see my mom. Like, ever. And that hit me pretty hard indeed. See, there won't be any tearful reunions. No "sorry I missed out on most of your life, son." I will never have that. Ever. My life won't resemble a Lifetime movie, or a Hallmark card. My mom is gone from me forever.


Now, sure, I've known this all along. But something about that moment, watching it happen on the tv screen, just brought it all home at once in a way that twenty-seven years of mourning have not. I mean, it struck me with such clarity and force that -- HOLY SHIT! I will *never* be with my mom again. I think somehow, some way, deep down inside . . . I think I actually had this feeling like I would see her someday. Like this nightmare would one day end and all would be well again. I would have my mom back, and this lifelong empty hole of loneliness inside me would somehow fill up and make me whole.

But, nuh-uh. Not happening, buddy. This is life. What, you thought it would have a happy ending? Fuck that shit!

Needless to say, I don't believe in heaven and angels and harps 'n' clouds and all that bullshit. I do believe that none of us on this Earth have even the foggiest real notion of what happens to us after we die. So, with that in mind, perhaps there is still a chance I will be reunited with my loved ones someday. Because, who's to say that I won't be, right? I sincerely doubt it, though. Something tells me that what you see is what you get with this life we have to live. So, I guess the message is: make the best of it when you can, while you can. This Earth is meant for living life to the fullest and getting the most out of such a corporeal, tactile existence.

Because we might not know what happens next, but it damn sure won't be like this.


  1. It's hard to lose loved ones. I know. Mom had nine kids - there are only five of us left. Todd died on April Fool's Day before he hit 30. I picture him looking down from Heaven and laughing 'cuz he was a prankster from the day he was born. He'd say, "Ha! Got the last laugh." Really not funny but he would have thought so.

    We were super-close. He even lived with me, my hubby and our kids. So I know. And I agree with you about one thing: "This Earth is meant for living life to the fullest."

    Sending positive thoughts your way - HUGS

  2. Sometimes it's those innocuous everyday things that can bring home the reality that we've been trying to avoid. It hits hard because it sneaks past and catches us unawares.

    Sorry you're feeling down, David. It happens. Just remember that life still has barrowloads of good lemons left to offer.

  3. This post made me sad for you. I'm sorry you are hurting, my friend. Sometimes, clarity comes to us in an instance, when we are least expecting and most vulnerable. I'd like to think that you mom is with you already. In spirit, watching over you. Not necessarily in a religious sense, since you are not religious or anything like that. But maybe in some cosmic, universe kind of way. She would be so proud of you, David. I wish a lighter heart and a life of laughter and love, for you. Perhaps a bit trite, I know, but I'm corny that way. :) Life is life. You either live it, or you die. Sending you virtual hugs! Now go out and do something crazy fun! And don't forget to laugh!

  4. I'd like to say that I know how you feel, but I have not yet lost a loved one. thank god. But what I will say is that I know how you feel when you have that sudden moment of realisation that hits you hard. After I lost our last embryo I had to go through a mourning stage, now I am at the angry and perhaps a little bit bitter stage. A lot of relatives and people I know have since then had babies, or announced they are pregnant, and some have even had a second. It makes me angry towards them. They are having the babies I should of had. It's irrational, and completely not their fault, but that is how I feel. For now. I am sure I will get over it and it wont hurt as much, but David, I do kind of know how you feel. (hugs) to you my friend.

  5. Thanks, all. Your heartfelt concern and comments really mean a lot to me. It helps! :)

  6. Been there, done that, F...k the t-shirt. (Antares Cryptos Tm).;)

    No one escapes loss or death, we could do without the reminders.

    "This too shall pass".

  7. This post hurt my heart. Your mom would have been proud of the man you turned into. You are a wonderful, strong and deep human being (with a slight corny side:) ). I am sorry that you are feeling down about your mom but I am sure she's with you every step of the way as you journey through life. :)

  8. Ant -- Yes, we can do without the reminders. Ain't that the truth!

    Cin -- Thank you so much. You're very sweet. Your words mean a lot to me.


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