Sunday, October 14, 2012

She Drives Me Crazy!

"... Like No One Else! She Drives Me Crazy, And I Can't He-elp My Se-elf!"

So, it seems that article I wrote earlier last week discussing the dangers of judging people based solely on their looks went over rather well with followers of The Bimillennial Man. And not just among the usual commenters, I might add. Someone contacted me in response to that post and posed the following paraphrased question:

"So, just for kicks, what do you find attractive in a woman?"

Oops! Forgive me. I suppose in all that writing I forgot to cover this particular base. Although reading between the lines it becomes rather apparent what I don't find attractive in a woman, right? Still, I've given the question some thought. And though I don't actually live by a do or die list of qualities she must pass in order to earn my undying devotion, there are certain physical and intellectual traits in a woman that turn me on immensely. To make things easier, I'll separate them into those two categories:

First up, physical traits. While a woman doesn't necessarily have to have all or even some of these qualities for me to find her irresistible, it certainly doesn't hurt.


This is what I first notice about her. I gravitate to the eyes almost immediately before I even glance at anything else. Unless, of course, she has her back turned to me, and then I notice . . . er, other things. And it's not the color of her eyes that turns me on, or whether she's wearing makeup to accentuate them or not. It's the shape of the eyes. I'm most attracted to almond-shaped ones, always have been. Not necessarily Asian, but pretty close to that vicinity of the world. Think more Persian or Indian, rather than East Asian, though.

Persian actress and singer, Claudia Lynx.
Oh. My. GAWD!!!


This might sound strange coming from a guy, but I find a woman's hair to be one of the most seductive weapons in her physical arsenal. For me, the longer the better! Although I think butt-length is going perhaps a little too far. Also, the luster of the hair is very important. And finally, black or dark brown. Preferably black. If it's long, straight, shiny, and inky black to the point of almost blue? *shudders* I swear, there's nothing more exquisite. Again, I have to go with Asian women on this one. Whether near of far, Asian girls have the most gorgeous hair of them all! I'll give some passing nods to my Latina sisters as well, though. Far be it from me to be picky.

Roselyn Sanchez. I definitely wouldn't
kick her out of bed for eating crackers.


Flat-chested or buxom, tall or vertically challenged, plump or thin--none of these things really matter as much to me as the waist to hip ratio does. I mean, if we're being honest here (and I am), nothing drives me more crazy than a woman with nice, wide hips. I've been a sucker for them since about the age of 14! It's also why I get so upset when I hear a lot of women complaining about them. Ladies, stop it. Real men love your hips. Stop trying to get rid of them with all that ridiculous cardio! Wide hips are what separates you from men, and in case you haven't figured it out yet--the more of that, the better. I don't know if it's a primal, biological thing centered around reproduction, or maybe that I just like something to hold on to--but, yes. Nice hips will bring me to my knees!


When it comes down to it, I'm all about the face. No, I'm not talking about all around general prettiness here. As I mentioned in that other blog piece, this is highly subjective anyway. No, what I focus on the most is the actual shape of the face. Again, while I don't have a specific preference when it comes down to it--round or narrow, I like 'em all!--I do find myself gravitating toward women with more angular faces. In other words, more oblong rather than apple-shaped, with high set cheekbones and a well-defined (but delicate) tapered jawline. When I was a young lad growing up in the 80s, Jami Gertz personified this particular facial type the best. Hooo-boy!

Yes, I'm all about the angles.


Of course, I know full well that women take their skin very seriously. There's like a bajillion skin products on store shelves to prove the point. But as a man, what I notice and like most about an attractive woman is not how well she moisturizes (although no one wants to be with someone who has scales, amirite fellas?), but mostly how dark she is. Now, I don't mean that I only find dark-skinned women beautiful. This is far from true. My mother was extremely pale, after all. And she still epitomizes beauty to me to this day. Nor do I mean a girl with a deep tan. Unless your genetics are compatible with such a look, most women who tan to achieve that darker tone usually end up looking unnatural to me. No, I prefer a natural dark tone. My ideal skin type? Coffee--a little light, with two sugars! I think they call that a "cafe-au-lait" complexion, if I'm not mistaken. Whatever, meow! I likes.

Zoe Saldana. She can make a coffee
drinker out of me any day!


Now, take these many disparate physical traits and mix them all together. What do you get? In other words, who out there represents that one magical combination that just drives me relentlessly insane with unbridled lust and desire? Why, look no further than one Ms. Paula Patton--that's Mrs. Robin Thicke to you!

My own ... personal ... Venus.

Homina, homina, homina . . . *pant, pant* Yowza! Yes, Paula is what I consider damn near PERFECTION! Her scenes in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is why I even went to the movies on opening night. It's beauty like this that makes me thank the higher powers I was born a man. No doubt about it. Phew!

So, yeah. This. This right here represents all the physical qualities that leave me gasping, my knees wobbly, and my heart racing like a thoroughbred. But when it really comes down to it, physicality can take the attraction only so far. To bring it up it to the next level I require more, because eventually the lady is going to speak and, as that last blog article of mine demonstrated, if she doesn't have a personality to go along with those looks--then I'm outta there!

But what exactly do I mean? What are the specific non-physical attributes in a potential mate that get me all hot and bothered? Well, I'm glad you care enough to ask. Where do I begin?


Yes, this is the deal breaker. No smarts = no heart. To keep it simple, I mean intelligence in the most academic of senses. She literally has to be book smart. Yes, street smarts and worldly knowledge are great to have as well, but I've always been a stickler for a good education. And there's no faking that. Living in the Bronx, I've met my fair share of beautiful, tough-as-nails gals who've had it going on and knew how to use it. But when I find out that they never graduated high school or that they think higher education is for chumps, I'm completely turned off. Not just a little, but totally. The reason why this is so important to me is really easy to explain: I don't care how much survival knowledge you've gained in order to make it in the mean streets of New York; if you disrespect education then you disrespect that single accomplishment of the human race that separates us from the animals. Learning is like Prometheus' fire--a gift from the gods to man, and only bad things can come from the discarding of such gifts, or ignoring them all together.

Hit those books, girl!


Oh, this matters a lot. For in addition to being smart, she also needs to be a genuinely righteous and moral person as well. Not just knowing right from wrong, but also: being honest, reliable, and never breaking one's word. These are all traits I find hard to resist. I love a woman who can inspire me to be a better man. A woman who is deceitful, on the other hand, is a very ugly person in my book. So if you're the type to play mind games and make your men jump through hoops, that's an instant deal breaker in Batista land. Consider yourself duly warned.

Love and compassion.

Because they go so well together, in my opinion. In fact, I daresay you can't have one without the other. Nothing's more attractive than a woman who's in love with living. You know, someone who enjoys the hell out of all that life has to offer her. Not necessarily a thrill seeker, but someone who likes to have fun and doesn't walk through life like it owes her money or something. Additionally, that love should clearly manifest in compassion for others. I hate to sound like a sap, but it touches my heart when I see a woman showing kindness to the elderly, or if she's cheerful and natural around children. In fact, that last is a huge turn on for me. If she's very good with kids, I don't know why exactly but it scores major big bonus points with this guy!

The ideal woman exudes love for others.


This one is tougher to find in a woman, because it's something people in general seem to lack these days. And that is the ability to think about life and one's place in the world. I love a woman who is aware of the time she lives in--from politics to science to the arts and literature; someone who thinks about all she encounters and can reflect on the bigger questions out there in the universe . . . this is the type of gal that turns me on. If her days are spent obsessing over the glam mags or the latest celebrity gossip instead, then no. She's probably not going to keep me engaged for very long. Tough loss ( for her).

Self esteem.

I can say it until I'm blue in the face, but it won't mean anything unless she can say it to herself: I am beautiful. And never ever let anyone else tell her otherwise. This is what self esteem means to me. A woman who is not conceited but still knows her worth, that right there is true beauty. That inner strength that I so look for in the opposite sex above all other traits. I don't know that I've ever encountered a strong, self-assured woman whom I did not find physically appealing as well. Regardless of her looks, that inner confidence shines through to the outside--and it's damn sexay!

You are beautiful, in every single way!

So these make up the core inner qualities of the ideal recipient of my affection. They all have their place, these attributes, and although I place a higher preference on the unseen qualities than I do the physical ones mentioned earlier, to be honest each one of these items have their important place. And yet, I would never ever actually use this list in real life. Finding the ideal woman for me was always more instinctual rather than cerebral. She didn't need to adhere to everything on this list--by the book, so to speak. But she definitely had to have at least two of the physical qualities mentioned above, and pretty much meet 85% of the personality ones. That always seemed like a good mix to me, although this is the very first time I've ever had to inventory my attractions before. Was there a purpose to all this? Not really. I just thought it would be  fun to take a reader's question as an opportunity to post pics of beautiful women--haha!

No, but seriously, I think it's fascinating to ruminate on just what it is that gets us going with regards to the opposite sex. After all, if you don't know what you want then how can you ever hope to get it?

Amirite? Anyone?

Yeah, I bet that I am. As usual, kindly leave your own thoughts in the "comments" section.


  1. Once again, great post my friend. I like the addition of the pics. I was planning to do something similar in the follow-up to my old post. Excellent pics, too! Those eyes on Claudia Lynx! Maaaaaaannn! And Jami Gertz was a perfect pick. And let it be known that Robin Thicke is THE luckiest man on the planet!

    Our alignment of mind would be scary to people who don't know us. :-)

    I feel like a slacker now. I gotta get to bloggin'!

  2. The surface attraction is instinctual, I think.

    Then we evolve and look at what lies beneath. Agree with you on the things that matter.

    After all with contacts and hair extensions...;)

    Lynx is freakishly pretty.

  3. After many years of reading your blog, I've finally decided to post! Surprise! I love the title of your post and now I have that song stuck in my head. Thanks! :)
    I get why men like long hair but as a woman who grew up having 'bollywood hair,' (meaning really long hair), I have to say the upkeep can be a drag.

    Great blog. Looking forward to reading some more interesting posts.


  4. Tarrell -- Yeah, you need to blog more. You have a lot to say.

    Ant -- I suggest all my male readers do themselves a favor and Google Claudia Lynx images. You won't be disappointed, She's criminally hot! :)

    Cin -- Oh my god, at last! A comment from you. I know you've been lurking since the beginning, so I'm very glad you finally came out. Yay! Thanks for the support. Oh, and damn . . . Bollywood hair? Now that's what I'm talking about! :)

  5. Wow! Niiice! I enjoyed reading this very much! "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" ---I truly believe this. And what you wrote about self-esteem reminded me of something a male friend told me once, about his now wife. They had just started dating and he complained how all she did when he told her how beautiful she was, was complain and tell him to stop teasing her. He said he almost never asked her out again, but then he did, and they fell in love. Her self-esteem is sky high now. I'd like to think that his persistence paid off. ---Btw, I'm a sucker for men's eyes! ;)

  6. I had a list...even when I was in grade school of what I wanted in a mate and I don't even think looks made the list...seriously...I have always been weird. Just ask my family. But I did get everything that was on my list. Here are a few of the biggies to me:

    1) Honest (this was always huge)
    2) Dependable
    3) Athletic (never wanted a couch potato)
    4) Intelligent (my hubby speaks five languages, took physics at UofO for fun...need I say more)
    5) Kind (you know nice to others - not just me) I've known lots of people who are nice to someone they're interested in - but just watch how that person treats a waiter, waitress or clerk...there's a clue in the real hidden person

  7. Yvonne -- Haha! You see, you understand the thing about eyes, too! :) And I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. Your friend's story is exactly what I was getting at with regards to self esteem.

    Kim -- Cool list you have there! All of those items make sense to me, as they're not too dissimilar from my own. I'm glad to see many of my readers are focused more on the inner beauty of others rather than the physical. Awesome!


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