Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts

Thursday, January 1, 2015

The Bimillennial Man's Top 10 Posts of 2014



So it's that time of year again . . . the start of a new year, that is! Historically, with my mother's passing on this date 29 years ago, New Year's Day has never been a time for celebration on my part. There have been years where I've tried to go out and have fun, sure, but usually this is a somber time for me in which I hole up at home and play things very down key.

And yet, the New Year is always a time of hope and renewal. I'm not immune to the changeover, and can honestly say that I'm very much looking forward to a brand new year. 2014 was not really the best of years, but it was not the worst. And it was definitely a step up from the previous three years before it, which were terrificly shitty years in my life. Probably the worst ever!

But with 2015 upon us, I thought I would continue with this little tradition at The Bimillennial Man of reflecting on the blog posts of the previous year. I started this tradition last year, as some of you may recall, in which I listed the Top 10 most successful posts of 2013. And by "successful," I mean the threads which had received the most views. So let us see how 2014 faired, shall we?

To set the scene, I just want to briefly mention that 2014 saw a huge explosion of new visitors and traffic to the site. I don't have the exact numbers on hand, but by my estimation this site had FOUR TIMES as many visitors as the previous year, despite the fact that I only published half as many posts in 2014 as compared to 2013. It's true I didn't have much to say this past year, apparently, but I'm happy that this hasn't stopped the site from becoming even more popular and very searchable on Google---which is still the number one search engine being used to find this blog. Thanks a bunch, Google!!!

So then here is my list, in chronological order, of popular posts for the year, followed by tally numbers of total unique visitors to each post as of this date:


My Top 10 Threads of 2014

1.  State of the Batista Union.   (114 views)

2.  Top 10 Crushes From Hollywood's Golden Age.   (356 views)

3.  Game of Thrones: Season 4 Anticipation Begins . . . NOW!   (154 views)

4.  Living Single.   (1,370 views)

5.  What Girls Don't Know We Know They Know.   (205 views)

6.  Dream Come True -- I'm An Actor Born!!!   (140 views)

7.  This Kid Is A'iight!   (134 views)

8.  Dear Dad: A Letter To My Father.   (149 views)

9.  Model Spotlight: "Nazneen Contractor".   (234 views)

10. My Quick(ish) iPhone 6-Plus Impression.   (167 views)


Click on any link above if you're curious to see why a particular post proved to be as popular as it was. Hint: the ones with lots of pics are usually the most viewed. Hmmm, I wonder why?

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Top 10 Crushes From Hollywood's Golden Age

Could this be the start of a tradition here on The Bimillennial Man?

Some of you may recall a few months back when I posted the Top 10 TV Crushes of My Youth. It turned out to be a very popular post which brought in a lot of hits to this site. And so I thought it would be fun to follow up with another Top 10 Crushes list -- but this time hailing back, back, back to way before I was born. That's right, to Tinsel Town's heyday, when studios were only as big as the glamorous stars they contracted to headline their films.




You might think I'm too young to have been influenced by some of the greatest beauties to grace the silver screen ... and you'd be thinking wrong! I happen to be a movie buff, sure, but actually I used to watch a lot of black & white movies on tv as a kid with my grandma. Not only on broadcast and cable television, but by way of the rather extensive video collection she, my aunt and my uncle kept in the house. When we moved in with them, curiosity and sheer boredom alike provided the twin impulses to check out a lot of these films. And with them, the opportunity to develop major crushes on some of Hollywood's biggest names of the day.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Bimillennial Man's Top 10 Posts of 2013

This list is a little late. I had meant to do this around New Year's, naturally, but plumb forgot. Mea culpa.

Some statistics first. In all of 2013, I only managed to write 48 posts. An all time low for The Bimillennial Man. Before that, 2012 was the lowest with around 65 posts. For those of you who know me, and who know what I've been through the past 2 years, you know the reasons for that.

That being said, despite having only 48 posts, 2013 generated a total of 63,227 unique visitors. Making it an average of around 5,269 visits per month. I've had much better numbers in prior years, so I'll attribute this to the low post count again. Still, those numbers are not entirely terrible.

As for the posts themselves ...

Below are the topics I blogged about in 2013 that received the most unique views. Meaning, for one reason or another, they were apparently more popular than all my other posts last year. I'll leave it up to you to decide why that was the case for any particular thread.

The list is in chronological order starting from Jan. '13 onward. The number of views each received come after the title, and you can click on each title to read the article in full.

Got it?


My Top 10 Threads of 2013


1.  Disappearing Act   (155 views)

2.  My 5 Most Influential Books   (121 views)

3.  So . . . Celebrity Wife Swap, Anyone?   (136 views)

4.  Thank Heaven I Was Born A Man   (602 views)

5.  Game of Thrones: "Valar Dohaeris" Review   (281 views)

6.  Can You Hear Me Now?   (279 views)

7.  Miss Crush 2013   (248 views)

8  Tiny Apartment Is Tiny!   (241 views)

9.  Model Spotlight: RIYA RAY   (371 views)

10.  Top 10 TV Crushes Of My Youth   (188 views)


It becomes apparent fairly quick that the articles with the most pics and pretty wimmins in 'em get the most views, so unfortunately I cannot assign most (if any) of the credit to my superb writing skillz. Still, as long as they keep coming!

What do you think? Any surprises up there? Disagreements? Sound off in the comments section below.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Top 10 TV Crushes Of My Youth



Crushes are a beautiful thing. Not full love attractions, nor down and dirty lust obsessions, crushes are as every day essential to a healthy lifestyle as yoga or eating oatmeal. As children, a crush can be the first sniff--a whiff, if you will--of what love might be when we grow up. As adults, however, crushes are often casual and entertaining; something frivolous to pass the time and keep our libidos running. You may even share them with your significant other, or with complete strangers as I did here in this blog entry a few months back. Sometimes, even, a crush might become a true love connection. That cute girl who works down at the bookstore whom you've been crushing on for months now, might just someday end up being the mother of your children if only you would work up the courage to ask her out for coffee sometime. Or, in tragic cases, a crush might turn into an unhealthy connection and land the crusher flat on the "Go To Jail" space in this monopoly game of life we're playing.

But for the most part, yes ... that which we crush on is not meant to be taken seriously. We have them, we cherish them, we learn from them, and we move on. Now, while I've certainly gone on and on here on The Bimillennial Man about who my crushes have been of late, I thought I'd take a step back and re-examine all the ones I've had leading up to today. Scratch that. Such an endeavor would take far too long to write up. On second thought, how about I just narrow it down to celeb crushes? Women most of you are probably already familiar with. Hmmm, still too broad a selection? Okay, okay -- I got it! How about we narrow the criteria down to only actresses--television actresses at that--who I've crushed on up until the very cusp of puberty? In other words, those little boy crushes that we all find so adorable and endearing? Nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, awwwww!

So, okay then. Here we go. The following are a list of my top 10 tv actresses from a favorite sitcom or show of mine ranging from the late 70s, which is when I was born, until the cutoff point of 1990, which is the year I started high school and crushes took on a whole 'nother level of urgency and angst.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Top 10 Things About Me You Don't Need To Know

Just decided to have some fun and do another revealing expose into the type of guy I am. I've done this type of listed revelations thing before on the blog, of course. Most notably herehere and here. But, this one will be a little different. In this one, I will list only those odd quirks of mine that are not necessarily positive or attractive qualities to have. Or which might, at the very least, constitute as surprising even to those folks who know me well.

Sounds like loads of fun, eh?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Top 10 Forgotten NES Games



The Nintendo Entertainment System--or NES as it's commonly referred--is one of the most legendary home gaming consoles ever to be launched. Not the most successful selling console of all time (that would be Sony's PlayStation 2), but definitely one of the de-facto, most talked about systems to come up in conversation whenever important milestones in gaming history are discussed. Although Atari and the Commodore 64 came out before it, and the Playstation 1 after, no one can deny that the NES is where the huge multi-billion dollar gaming industry of today really secured its footing in the hearts of countless eager young kids (and not just a few adults) back in the mid 80s.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Top 10 Surprising Things I've Done (Which You Likely Haven't)

There's a meme of sorts going around the SF writers' blogosphere lately, in which participants detail ten of the most remarkable things to happen to them in their lives -- experiences that most of us have probably not been privy to. In fact, even the current president and vice-president of the Science-Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA) have joined in on the fun. So, naturally you know I just had to add myself to this august list of goofballs.

Now, I must first make note that these 10 items are not meant as bragging rights. Honestly, some of the entries on this list are not the proudest moments of my life. Although a few are. Also, I'm sure *some* of you out there have done a few of these things, or at least something similar. But I'm willing to bet not many.

So, without further delay, here are my "Top 10 Surprising Things":


1. Chatted briefly with, and gave a hug to, Mother Teresa.

2. Got married in Las Vegas (although not by Elvis).

3. Had a full-length dream in Mandarin Chinese, complete with English subtitles.

4. Crashed into a speeding car head-on while riding a bike down a hill at top speed, and survived with no broken bones or emergency room visit.

5. Hiked 18 miles through a national park in one day while carrying a full pack with camping gear.

6. Drank a diluted cup of Clorox bleach and lived to tell about it.

7. Had picture taken and small blurb written about me in the New York Times.

8. Had eight shots of Tequila in one hour and not only did not die, but was still coherent afterwards.

9. Read a 350-page sci-fi novel in under 6 hours.

10. Gave James Gandolfini (Mr. Tony Soprano!) change for a $20 bill.


EDIT: If anyone would like elaboration upon one or more of the above points, ask me in the comments section below and I shall oblige. :)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Favorite Sword Duels At The Movies

Swords. Let's not deny it, we all have a weird fascination with the bladed weapons--a romance, let's say--that you simply cannot get from kicks and punches, or even guns. Sword duels in particular capture our imaginations in the media like no other form of personalized combat. Unlike gun fights in Westerns, swords by their very design require the combatants to face off in close proximity to one another like real men (or women). You know that the victor of a sword fight will not make it out alive by sheer luck. Swords require real skill and years upon years of vigorous training to master. Yet, in Hollywood at least, the good sword duel is hard to come by these days. Back in the time of Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks movies, sure, the swashbuckling tales were a dime a dozen. But that era has been long gone. While cowboy and pugilistic genres have risen and fallen only to rise again in Hollywood, the sword movie has never recovered its true heyday of old.

Which is why, when a film does come along and display not only a competent sword duel on the big screen, but one that's a true crowd pleaser at that, I for one take notice. You might not concern yourself with such matters, but rest assured I *live* for these types of films. Without fail, if you were to look at a list of movies that influenced me the most since childhood, more often that not you're seeing a list that contains movies where sword fighting plays, at the very least, a marginal role in society.

Highlander, Star Wars, The Hunted, Excalibur, Dune, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, etc . . . . Need I go on? So what better way to celebrate the more subtle art form of good movie combat than for me to create yet another "Top 10" list? Below you'll find my list in descending order from best to BESTEST of my favorite sword moments in film. As with my other lists, these choices won't necessarily represent *your* favorite scenes. But then you can just write up your own list now, can't you? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Without further ado, I give you my Top 10 sword duels at the movies . . . after the jump.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Best 10 Video Game Openings

Happy Turkey Day to everybody!

Here at the Batista household, we plan on taking a relaxing day off from things -- and well-deserved, I must say! If you haven't noticed, I've been keeping myself scarce this past week. Work on the novel continues apace, and all is still going smashingly on that front. But don't think I've forgotten you all in the meantime, no no no. In fact, here's a fun blog entry I had waiting in the wings for a few days now, but decided that, in the festive spirit of this day in which we give thanks, that I would take a moment to show my appreciation for that obscure art -- the finely crafted video game introduction movie!

You may recall that I already have a blog entry on my Top 10 Games of all time. If you don't remember, I urge you to please click on that link and check out that list as well. Those of you who know my gaming habits well will probably not find anything surprising on it. But check it out anyway, and leave a comment while you're at it!

As for this new list . . . video game introductions are those indelible opening sequences that draw you in to a game before the actual gameplay even starts. They usually appear just before, or right after, the main title sequence. They're the little pieces of cinema that whet your appetite and leave you drooling for more.

Just what is my judging criteria for this list? Well, I have to be honest: all these picks are personal to me. They were picked not only due to their awesomeness, but because I was in a special place or moment when I first saw these. In other words, my list is not trying to be the definitive list. Nor is it going to be identical to *YOUR* list, okay?

So don't dare come to the comments section bitching about how *YOUR* favorite game intro is not on this list. Or how Game X on my list sucks, and that I don't know games. This is not the time or place for that. In fact, no time will ever be the right time for that, nor will this ever be the place. Not on this blog. This is my list and my games. Each one are titles I own and have played dozens of times. And part of the reason behind such rampant re-playability is very much due in fact to the way these games start out. You may not understand my reasoning. But just know that, to me, these opening movies kick ass!

And now, after the jump . . . on to the festivities!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Cartoons Which Made Me Who I Am

Now and then someone will come along and offer what *THEY* think were the best cartoons of the 80s. You know, that precocious period of time which nurtured most Gen X'ers into the slackers we would later become. In college, we would wax nostalgic over dinner about our fave cartoons. Sometimes too loudly, and much to the chagrin of the foreign students sitting behind us who hadn't the foggiest clue WTF we were yapping about.

But this is not that list. No. Far be it for me to proclaim with authority what were the best or favorite cartoons of that era. No, this is just a simple rundown of the Top 10 cartoons that had an impact on one single person in the 80s and early 90s. That person being me, of course.

So, these are the cartoons that might not have aged well over time, or for that matter may not have even been all that endearing to kids watching at the time of their airing. But those which, for one reason or another, had a hand in shaping me into the grownup I am today. Yes, these cartoons were the ones I watched the most, and which to this day I wished I owned on DVD in their entirety. These cartoons made an impact on me that all others did not. That's not to say any cartoons that do not appear on this list were terrible, but that they were not the most impactive on my development. Some on the list aren't even all that educational or special, but just happened to be on at the right place and at the right time to make me feel all fuzzy and right with the world.

The only exception is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This late 80s gem is not on this list, but should be. I had to drop it because apparently Lionsgate, who owns the rights to the TMNT cartoon franchise, are being douches and disallowing all copies of the original opening theme and montage to be viewed by anyone on YouTube but themselves I guess. To you Lionsgate, I and 80s kids everywhere say:



Now, all that being said (and without further ado), I present thee with my selections, followed by a brief description as to why the cartoon rocked my childhood world. Click on the video clip after each title to watch the introductory sequences to each cartoon, too. Whoa, blast from the past!


THE TRANSFORMERS
-------------------------------



This one is no mystery to scores of boys and girls who became tv literate in the early 80s. If you had a pulse, and if you were under the age of 13 at the time, then you WERE watching this show. No question about it. For me, however, Transformers was the single cartoon that kicked it all off for me. I don't even remember if there was anything worth watching before Transformers. What, besides Looney Tunes and The Flintstones? But when it did come out, there was certainly nothing else like it. A cartoon about giant robots from space, interlocking and shapeshifting into inanimate objects like cement mixers and bazookas? Who came up with THAT idea? But it worked. And though it would open up the floodgates of American television to a slew of similar-themed cartoons in years to follow (Go-Bots, anyone?), Transformers was and always will be the big king daddy of them all. Now, go and click on that vid above and tell me that the theme song doesn't bring back warm, snuggly memories of a bygone innocent age!

HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
----------------------------------------------------------------



Yes, leaving aside the ridiculous redundancy of the main character's name, this show owned like no other cartoon at the time! I could be wrong, but I think He-Man action figure sales surpassed even G.I. Joe and The Transformers for the same time period. At least, it did in my household. Thanks to a wonderfully generous grandma and aunt, my brother and I had pretty much every piece of toy tie-in merchandising associated with this cartoon that the folks over at Mattel could churn out of the factories. We were sickly ADDICTED, I tell you! Of course, looking at the introduction now, it does seem rather silly, doesn't it? I mean, how did the voice actors not shit themselves pale laughing at that ludicrous dialog? But still, I thank them from the bottom of my child-geek heart. He-Man kept us good company even when things at home in the mid-80s were not so rosy. Without this cartoon, we might have been left to roam the streets of the Bronx starting up gangs, or breakdancing for toy money, or something. Thank you, awesomely-cool-yet strangely-homo-erotic-cartoon-makers! Looks like shite now to my jaded eyes, but clearly you knew the secret formula to young kids' imaginations back then.

VOLTRON
---------------



Ah, see what I mean? This is what the wild success of the Transformers led to. The importing of even more obscure Japanese robot anime into the boob-tubes of unsuspecting American households everywhere. But, let's not deny it--Voltron was something special COOL at the time. It would grow to supplant Transformers in satisfying that giant robot fix that every male child who was not Ru Paul was fixing for in the mid 80s. And, yes, let's not get it twisted: I'm talking about the Go-Lion force! Not that shitty and vastly inferior vehicle-branded Voltron spinoff that was just a lame ripoff of Transformers. Or was it the other way around? It's hard to tell which came first with these Japanese giant robot cartoons. For me however, Voltron was the penultimate of this craze. By the time Robotech would see wider import to the NYC public airways later on, I was burnt out on my giant interlocking robot cartoons. For shame.

THUNDERCATS
--------------------



Oh snap! Yes, I know some of you were thinking I might leave this off the list, but to that I say: NEGRO PLEASE! It may be hard to understand for some of you, but Thundercats was the be-all and end-all of children's television programming when I was in the 4th grade. Forget Reading Rainbow, this was the SHIT! It's scary looking back at it now, but this show started a massively crazy following among impressionable youth like nothing else seen since the invention of the stick-and-hoop. I can't quite explain the hold it had on me, but it was something fierce for sure. I remember wanting the toy Sword of Omens so BAD! But my grandma refused, saying that it was satanic or some such nonsense. Blah! Of all the cartoons on this list, Thundercats is actually my favorite to this day. It's not as good as some of the others in terms of content or acting, but damn! Some of those multi-episode story arcs were like soap operas for kids! If you were not catching this cartoon, you were too busy picking the shredded remnants of underwear out of the vicinity of your rectum to watch. Too bad for you, loser!

DUCK TALES
-------------------



Now this one is probably more to everyone's liking. It takes a particularly inept and cold-hearted bastard to say that he did NOT enjoy the hell out of this Disney cartoon back in the day. I think even psycho stalker killers took time off of their busy schedule strangling old ladies and drowning kittens to sit down and catch them some Duck Tales, don't you? The winning formula of having the miserly and fabulously wealthy Scrooge McDuck look after Donald Duck's good-natured but troublesome children was the stuff of legend in the annals of afternoon cartoon history. It seems stupid on paper, but these episodes were surprising in the their ability to mix complex scripts (for a kids' show), stunning animation, and oodles of sheer FUN without hardly ever missing a beat. I mean, how the hell did they do that? Duck Tales is one of those shows that completely changed the face of after-school cartoons, ushering in an age of Disney properties that would rule the prime 2:30 to 4:30 time slot for many years to come. But unlike other kids, Duck Tales was the only one of these shows which I personally watched regularly. I could never get into Talespin, Chip n Dale's Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck, or Gummi Bears for some reason. I guess there was only ever room in my heart for one weekday Disney cartoon -- and this was it! Now tell me, is that theme song not catchy to this day or what? HELL YEAH!

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER
-------------------------------------------------



Some of you are scratching your heads now, I'm sure. Batista, what unmentionable nether region did you pull this forsaken cartoon out from? If this is what you're saying, then you never had HBO growing up. Luckily for me, we did! Because this was one of my big time favorites. Wow! It's been so long since I've seen an episode, but that intro sequence brings it all back. I was a sucker for this cartoon! It was silly, yes, and the animation was a bit weird in that Japanese big-eyed-American sort of way . . . but the continuing story of the rambunctious Tom Sawyer getting into trouble along with his pal Huckleberry Finn endeared me in a huge way to classic American literature. I wish, wish, wish to GOD this would come out on DVD. I would bid a small fortune on a proper re-mastering of the entire series. That's how much this cartoon means to me. It's such a cherished part of my childhood, and in fact spurred me to go to the library and read every book by Mark Twain that I could get my grubby hands on. How's that for a media tie-in, huh?

FOX'S PETER PAN & THE PIRATES
--------------------------------------------------



Oh, DAYUM! Look, you just don't know . . . but this was my SHIT back in the early 90s. I was already a freshman in high school by the time this aired, and really a little too old to be hooked on cartoons still. But there was no denying it, this show had me line and sinker! It's no secret that I have vivid dreams about flying. Always have since about the age of 7. But for some reason, once the adolescent hormones started to kick in at the end of the 80s, these dreams intensified ten-fold! I could not go one night without having one of those marvelously lucid dreams where you really DO believe you are doing what is supposed to be impossible. The disappointment I would feel in the morning was downright heartbreaking. Waking up and realizing that--no, you most certainly can NOT touch the sky, young man--has got to be the most depressing thing I've experienced outside of my own mother dying. That's my way of showing that this was not a light matter for me. And, so, maybe now you can understand why this particular cartoon would have such a huge impact on my young adolescent life. At no other time did I feel like escaping to a magical fantasy world away from grownup responsibilities than at this stage in my maturity. Yes, I knew I was too old to join Peter and the Lost Boys on their fantastical flying adventures, but that bittersweet fact never kept me from tuning in each day after school to see what hijinks they would get into next. And to this day, I still think the opening theme is perhaps the finest symphonic movement ever set to a so-called "kiddie" cartoon. Don't you agree?

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA
---------------------------------



This was not a full-fledged cartoon, but rather a segment of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show which ran in 1989. And even then it only aired on Fridays. But if you were a kid in late 80s, and if you loved playing video games, perhaps no greater geek moment was the day you set eyes on this cartoon. I don't know why people feel the need to bash it today. Mostly young teens who were too young, or not even born yet, to fully understand the cultural watershed moment this was for us gamers. I mean, it didn't get any bigger than Zelda for video gamers unless you're talking about the Mario games. So to have not one but TWO game-based cartoons presented on the same show was simply mind-boggling unprecedented for the time. For me, though, the Zelda portion is what buttered my toast. Yes the voice acting is sooooo corny (especially the dude voicing Link), but the animation and music so perfectly captured all that made the games so much fun. Even to this day it gives me chills when I watch the episodes and hear the same exact sound effects and musical cues used from the first game. That was a big deal for kids, then. If they had not received the permission and full endorsement from Nintendo of America to use these portions, who knows what we might have ended up with. Oh sweet jeebus! I don't even want to think of the possibilities. *shudders*

BABAR
-----------



Yes, again, if this one is leaving you searching your memory banks in vain . . . Babar was yet another one of those HBO cartoons I was talking about before. You know, HBO really does know how to spot good programming. I daresay these cartoons were better than 95% of the crap being peddled on the regular network channels for kids during the 80s. And no production was finer than this cartoon. I'm not even going to explain why . . . just watch that there intro and see for yourself. Do you see the richness of the colors, the warm and fuzzy sweetness of the animation? What about that score? Does it not convey the title of masterpiece which this cartoon so rightfully deserves? Just from looking at the sequence alone you knew you were in for something special. This show is a treasure that should be in the Smithsonian years from now. Except that it's French, so it probably won't ever be placed there. But it should! The themes could be downright mature at one point (Babar's mother being gunned down by a "Great White Hunter" during the first episode resonated so strongly!), and yet at the same time it was an enduring and lovely children's bedtime story with lots of style, fun, and surprises thrown in at every corner. Of all the cartoons listed in this entry, this is the one I would definitely want my kids watching today. It has not aged at all, but will forever be timeless in my estimation. Bravo, HBO, bravo!

BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES
----------------------------------------------



I mean, seriously? Do I even need to bother? Who doesn't already know of the awesomeness of this show? Compared to the other cartoons on this list, it came out rather late in my childhood. In fact, I believe I was either 15 or 16 when it first aired -- no longer a little kid, not by a long shot! Then again, calling Batman: TAS a cartoon is, like, sacrilege! There was nothing cartoonish about this production. From the Oscar-quality voicing and scripts, to the wonderfully inspired art direction and haunting score, Batman showed that you did not have to become a caricature in order to entertain young people. Everyone at school watched this. It aired right after Duck Tales and Tiny Toons! It brought a timeless comic book hero to the masses in ways not even the Tim Burton movies could do. The subject matter was gritty, gripping, and so remarkably endearing to a young man's imagination. Batman: TAS made me want to go into crime-fighting become a writer more than anything else at the time, because for once I saw with my own two eyes how dynamic an excellent script could be when coupled with an award-worthy televised production. No one had better character development that old Bats, after all. And so, I felt, I was learning from the best. And, indeed, I did.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Top 10 Ways In Which Zombies Are Misunderstood


Face it, the shuffling undead get a bad rap these days. In Hollywood, they're either abysmally slow or freakishly fast, but ALWAYS jonesing for a good meal. Is Tinsel Town implying that these poor people are smoking the wacky tabacky?

In video games, zombies are the endless fodder for gleeful trigger-happy teens racking up points to make up for that hollow feeling left behind by mommy and daddy's neglect. Is that all they are to us, lumps of meat for hormone-fueled target practice?

And what do the zombies have to say to this? Like with all ethnic groups portrayed in lump-sum fashion by the media, zombies are a misunderstood race. They have feelings, too. And some of the stereotypes propagated by pop culture today can be hurtful, not to mention downright debilitating, to a humble zombie's self-esteem.

I aim to get to the bottom of this by dispelling 10 of the most egregious generalizations aimed at our hard-working zombie brothers and sisters (and pets).

Here we go:

10. Zombies constantly try to keep a good civilization down.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zombies are not to blame when the government decides to collapse and anarchy reigns supreme. If the living masses are dumb enough to go screaming their fool heads off in the streets, the least any good, god-fearing zombie citizen can do is to catch up to their frightful neighbors, arms stretched out wide, and say: "Hey, Seth! Bro, you don't have to run from your shame. We can pull out of this tragedy together!"


9. Zombies disturb the peace with their incessant moaning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one I lay completely at the feet of the ignorant "fleshies." If the living would simply pick up a decent Zombie-English dictionary (Webster sells an abridged one for just $15.99!), you'd figure out that our undead friends are simply asking you about your day. Or when you last had a good meal. 99% of all zombie-human altercations could be avoided if we all just learned to COMMUNICATE with each other. Love begins with listening, people!


8. Zombies are angry ALL the time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I place the blame for this stereotype squarely on the shoulders of smarmy, fleshy movie directors. Many of whom have never even bothered to understand zombies, let alone invite one into their home. If they had, they would have noticed that zombies approach their food with thoughtful consideration and--dare I say it--a gourmet's sensibility. They don't snarl and jump on their meals with barbaric abandon as the movies will have you believe. When was the last time you lashed out at a hamburger or steak dinner? Exactly. Don't assume other cultures are less evolved than your own, and you won't find yourself the main ingredient in an ass and pickles sandwich.


7. A pack of zombies are dumber than a sackful of hammers thrown down a rubber chimney.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, Hollywood's continuing campaign to disparage our zombie neighbors is truly shameless. Why in the films do zombies *always* get tricked by the sly and fast human fleshies? Seriously, do you honestly think a ladder or a dynamited bridge is going to stop a group of intelligent, well-meaning individuals just wanting to wish your family a "how-dee" and good night? And people say the undead are antisocial!


6. Zombies take a half clip, or two or three shotgun blasts, to bring down.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see this mostly in video game land. Hello? How is this even legal? You're giving kids bad ideas, game designers! You're telling our impressionable youth that it's okay to empty 6 or 8 rounds into their undead buddies, and that Zed will simply pop right back up EVERY time when they do. No, stop this! It's spreading misinformation and, more importantly, is downright criminal. Zombies are fragile beings. Their arms and legs are not strong enough to withstand even 4 rounds, let alone an entire barrage from a policeman's special. They are not conducive to target practice. Populate your games with rightful fodder: aliens, Nazis, and of course . . . virginal elf princesses!


5. Zombies smell like the grave.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Correction: the *DEAD* smell like the grave. If you'd paid attention in your social sciences class, you would've learned that zombies are the "un" dead. Offensive body odor is just the by-product of your wasteful caste persecution of the livingly-challenged. What you're really smelling is the odoriferous guilt of your own fleshy bourgeois lifestyle. Zombies do the jobs you are too self-important to take. They toil in your garbage, slog through your sewers, and slay your livestock so that you can live high and mighty in your gleaming castles on well-manicured hilltops, feeling safe and secure. Just remember that the next time you bite into your nice filet mignon, madam! Chances are, a zombie had to procure that meat for you.


4. Zombies are not suitable to take on dates. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's not even touch on the collective apathy living folk seem to feel towards human-zombie interracial relationships. That's a regrettably touchy subject in this day and age. Still, when a music video comes along depicting an innocent looking zombie schoolboy going all freakazoid on his fleshy date, it kinda stings. Zombies don't go to the expense of paying for two movie tickets, PLUS a large tub of popcorn and drinks, only to bring their would-be paramours into the woods afterwards and scare the bejeebus out of her with dated, awkward dance moves. I mean, pulleeze, Mr. John Landis! Like any yellow-blooded American zombie boy, he'd want a little action first.


3. Zombies have nothing better to do than to scare fleshy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contrary to popular belief, zombies don't get their kicks from terrorizing the living. The next time you see a shuffling group of moaners heading your way: relax. Don't panic. Pull out your trusty English-Zombie dictionary, raise one hand in greeting, and welcome your rapidly approaching new acquaintances. Before you know it, you're making fast friends for life (however much of it you have left, anyway). And you know what they say: once you go undead, you'll never eat bread. Yeah, think about it.


2. Zombies just want to get close enough to eat your brains.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure you don't need me to point out the ridiculousness of this shopworn trope. I mean, serious? Brains? As if! No self-respecting zombie would be caught alive eating such bland grey matter. Who do you think they are, the British? Show me a hungry zombie and I'll show you a fellow who enjoys a nice, succulent rump like any other hot-blooded American. Just make sure you don't turn around, or--HEY!


1. Zombies are out to convert us all.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is perhaps the most hurtful stereotype of them all. It lumps our undead friends in the same sorry group as Seventh-Day Adventists, or worse--the Scientologists! But this is a blatant misdirect by the media. Zombies don't need to do anything silly like bite you on the arm or suck your brains out to swell their ranks. How gauche! No my friend, the zombie conversion is quite simple: sooner or later, all us fleshies must meet our end. Be it in bed through natural causes, or a friendly down-home rampant apocalypse to spur things along, the undead know that it's only a matter a time before we're all of us zombies, one and for all!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope this little tutorial has taught you the difference between the real world and that which you see on the dumb box. Zombies have rights like the rest of us, and it's high time society took notice and welcomed them into our midst. Take heed and keep an eye out for our undead pals. Chances are there's one walking right up to your door as you read this.

Is that a curious scratching you hear?

Friday, May 15, 2009

My Top 10 Video Games

Okay, let this be known first: I'm what's considered an "old school" gamer. It basically means I've been gaming since the Colecovision and Atari days (late 70s/early 80s), and that therefore most of what I consider to be the greatest games of all time come from the era when home video gaming consoles were just spilling onto the scene.

To younger gamers: you probably won't agree with 95% of this list. Even if you're a young gamer who likes playing retro games, you still won't quite "get" it, I imagine. After all, some of what made all these games so great were the times during which they were released. If your favorite Zelda game is Ocarina of Time, then you might be a big enough Zelda fan to appreciate the original game, but young enough that the graphics and game mechanics throw you off. But to gamers as old as me, we remember that, at the time of its release, no other game on the planet looked like the original gold-plated Zelda. Ocarina is a better game, yes, but it didn't have the same impact on me as the first game that started the whole series.

And that is the point of this list. Not only are these games the best home console games to ever come out on any system at the time of their release, but they were the games that had the most *IMPACT* on me throughout the years. That right there is the distinguishing factor, and the reason why this list is not a definitive one, but personal. These are MY top games, for reasons I will try to elucidate in the following paragraphs.

So, starting from least to most, here now is my list:

======================================================================================
10) Super Metroid (SNES)
---------------------------------------------------------------
To this day, this is the definitive Metroid game. 2 games preceded it in the series (one apiece on the NES and Game Boy), but by the time it showed up on the Super Nintendo in 1994 it was clear the folks over at the mighty 'N' had perfected the recipe. I love all the pre-Gamecube Metroid games, but this is the one most people hold up as the gold standard of the series. For me, it had the impact of being the last ever game I played before moving to college. It came out right at the tail end of senior year in High School and basically stole my life for the next month or so that it took to complete it. At the time, I was heavily into my science fiction reading addiction, and Super Metroid felt the most sci-fi'ish of any game I ever played up to this point besides Flashback. It gave me the visuals I needed to fuel my own dreams of writing in the genre. Thanks, Samus!


09) Grand Theft Auto III (PS2)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Single-handedly creating a whole new sub-genre in the collective oeuvre of video gaming categories is no small feat, especially during the dawn of the Ps2/Xbox/Gamecube era when most gamers had thought they'd seen it all. But that's exactly what R* Games did when they released GTAIII to the masses in October of 2001, introducing to the console world the concept of the "sandbox" game. Although the idea was not new to PC gamers, it had never been rendered to such gorgeous heights on the home systems before. GTAIII's open environments, fully interactive city, and gritty sheen drew me in with the swiftness; its superbly crafted story and well-acted cutscenes made the finishing touches to a fine gourmet meal. I got so immersed in this title that before long I honestly had a hard time telling the difference between game and reality -- that's how on-point this living, breathing, and criminally insane city of Liberty City had been rendered. Even well after I had beaten the game did it maintain its stranglehold on my imagination, making me an instant fan of any and all future installments to the series.


08) Golden Axe (Genesis)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sega's getting a pretty bad rep on this list, I know, but this is the one game on the Genesis that I couldn't ignore. I first played it at the tender age of 12, a time of transition for many young boys. And so -- ahem -- of course I payed special attention to a certain barely-clothed female protagonist by the name of one Tyris Flare. Golden Axe was a game the likes of which I had never seen, though. At the time, its combat felt realistic, and the special attack moves and magic abilities wowed me beyond belief. Being able to choose between 3 main characters, in addition to playing co-operatively with a friend at the same time, seriously boosted this game to the top of my Genesis library. I cannot count the number of times my brother and I played through this rather short, but challenging, title. Golden Axe completely took over our world during the spring/summer of '89. And since I was just getting into sports and roaming the streets of NYC at this time, it will forever remind me of baseball, Central Park, and swimming pools. It's a very common theme with me that a particular video game will remind me of where I was and what I was doing during the time I played it. Funny how that works, no?


07) Contra (NES)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, I don't think anyone needs to be reminded why this game simply ROCKS! Old and new school alike, Contra is one of those mythic titles that gamers of all generations seem to have played at some point. How could you not? Konami was on a roll during the late 80s, with a slew of mega hits on the Nintendo Entertainment System like Castlevania and Gradius to name a few. But Contra cashed in on the whole action-movie craze of the mid-80s, stealing influences from movies like Commando, Aliens, and the Rambo series. To hit this matter home even harder, the game's protagonists, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean, bore very strong resemblances to Sly Stallone and Arnie Schwarzenegger -- much to the delight of teen boys everywhere (yours truly included). The game was pure action from beginning to end, with the gamer having to use ingenious tactics and excellent weapons management skills to stave off a seeming never-ending horde of alien marauders trying to take over the planet. With an ending that I consider one of the most thrilling capstones to a game ever (despite its rather low-key visuals), Contra -- like many titles on this list -- was one of the games I NEVER got tired of playing. It's the type of title you can pick up at any time and just start playing as if you'd never missed a day. I've beaten it so many times that I've lost count. Like another game further below on this list, this was one of the few titles I could beat with my eyes closed and while barely ever dying. And that's nothing to snort at, since Contra's considered by most gamers to be one of the hardest ever to complete in one continue (sans the infamous "Konami" cheat code.) But I've done it, and many times I might add!


06) Super Castlevania IV (SNES)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh yeah! This is it, baby! This is the game that defined my sophomore year in high school! The Super Nintendo had only been out for 3 months when this title hit shelves in late 1991 (Christmas time) -- and it took everyone by storm. No more so than Castlevania fans, to which I claimed ardent membership. I had been playing the series since the very first game on the NES, and I remember all but crying to get this next installment for Xmas. I still remember popping the cartridge in and my jaw dropping at the wonderfully atmospheric and creepy intro movie, which clued us in that this was a retelling of the classic tale set forth in the very first game; of one courageous Simon Belmont, and of Dracula's emergence after being defeated by your ancestor, Trevor Belmont, as depicted in Castlevania III. Simon has been and will always be my favorite Belmont, and this was his fitting magnum opus. SCV-IV was a groundbreaking game at the time for its 8-directional whip movement (compared to the previous games' 2 directions) and the generous use of the SNES's patented "Mode 7" scaling and mapping techniques. But more importantly to me, it had the deepest and most involving level designs I had ever seen. And the soundtrack, even to this day, simply owns my soul! Everything about this game screams masterpiece. So much so that I was hard-pressed to put it down at only number 6 on this list. Others will point to Symphony of the Night as being the gold standard by which all other Castelvania games should be judged. But, while I enjoyed this later title immensely, too, it can never hold a candle to the joy I carry for number IV.


05) Metal Gear: Solid (PS1)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Yet another Konami greatest hits and, like many series which can trace their origins back to the 80s and the NES, MGS found new life on the emerging juggernaut of gaming that the PlayStation would become in the mid to late 90s. I had played the original back in the day, but oddly skipped the subsequent games until 1998 when Solid arrived and bitch-slapped the gaming community into submission, garnering numerous awards left and right like they were going out of style. With its gritty spy-thriller sensibilities, gravelly-voiced protagonist, and superbly acted and directed storyline, this game had it all in spades! At the time, I was a relative newcomer to the PS1, having only just purchased the console over the summer. But when I set my eyes on this beauty in October of the same year, I was hooked FOREVER! I know I've heaped enough superlatives on all the games mentioned so far, but honestly, words alone cannot adequately describe how awesome Hideo Kojima's masterpiece is. It's definitely in my top 3 of favorite PS1 games. Not to mention it changed the world of gaming forever, coining the term "stealth action" even though Tenchu: Stealth Assassins (also on the PS1) rightfully kicked off the whole craze on consoles earlier that year. But with MGS, players truly felt like real spies, where the story's objectives were to be approached in secrecy rather than in all-out combat, guns blazing. The game rewarded players who utilized shadowy, methodic and individual takedowns rather than aggressive bullet showers to neutralize an enemy squad. And the twists -- HOO BOY! The twists, they just kept on coming! I shouted "WTF?" so many times during the numerous engaging cutscene that my own cat started avoiding me in the halls of my house afterwards. Sorry, Tiger, poor chap!


04) The Legend of Zelda (NES)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Believe it or not, there was once a time when I absolutely despised this game. Back in 1987 when it was released I was only 10 years old and, I hate to say it, too immature to truly appreciate what Shigeru Miyamoto had created. But to be fair, Zelda was a big departure at the time from all the other console games out there. More like a PC game, it was one of the first to emphasize lengthy exploration and truly grueling dungeon crawling that left most gamers' heads spinning, including myself. It was my very first precursor to the RPG genre in some respects, and initially I put the game aside as being too cerebral for my tastes. I was more used to kung-fu beat em ups and shooting games at this age. But about a year later, out of sheer boredom, I decided to give it another spin. This time I vowed to make a chore out of it, bringing pencils and paper (for mapping) with me and painstakingly marking every corner of the world of Hyrule as I explored. The rewards of my efforts were instantaneous! Suddenly I had gotten the first piece of the Triforce, and some nifty new weapons to aid my quest along the way. It wasn't long before I was consumed day and night (when I didn't have pesky schoolwork to tend to), and even began to dream in Zelda sprites. Whoa! I remember beating this game (finally!) and thinking: what have I done? Somehow, against all odds, I beat this terribly difficult and grown-up game all by my lonesome! I was beyond proud of myself. It taught me a valuable lesson; that sometimes the most rewarding games are those you really have to put a ton of effort into in order to persevere. This quality would hold me in good reserve when it came time to take on true RPGs like Dragon Warrior . . . and the very next title on this list.


03) Final Fantasy (NES)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh lordy, this was definitely the case of biting off more than one can chew. My brother had received this game for his birthday in November of 1990, and at first we couldn't tell our asses from our elbows when it came to figuring out just what the hell was going on. Although we had played Dragon Warrior the year before, we were still unfamiliar enough with the conventions of the console Role Playing Game (RPG) to make Square's original masterpiece a severe pain in the rear. At least at first. Pretty soon both my brother and I were taking turns levelling up and kicking IMP ass all over the forest, and it became apparent that this game was like no other. Whereas Dragon Warrior had left me severely wanting in both the story and sheer fun departments, Final Fantasy took a hold of my imagination in the worst way. I was delirious with a desire to actually BE in this world; to fight alongside my friends and save an imperiled world from a truly dangerous and foreboding adversary. The stakes in this game felt BIG TIME, and subsequently the rewards were equally fantastic. The motivations and development of the characters -- both primary and secondary -- took on a gravitas usually reserved for epic novels. This was the first true video game epic, however, and its success would spur a long-running series of detached sequels still going strong to this day (FF XIII releases later this year, in fact). I credit this game and this game alone for my love of all things fantasy, not only in games, but in visual and literary mediums as well. That's saying a lot!


02) Resident Evil (PS1)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The last two games on this list are those which have had the most tremendous affect on my gaming life. The original Resident Evil played a very important role in rehabilitating me from the video game funk I had found myself in during college. When I left home after graduating high school, I was burned out on the video game wars. Sega was experimenting with its 32x and CD systems, and rumors were that Nintendo had its own CD-based console in the works. Added to the fold were new additions to the next-gen console race two years later, like Atari's Jaguar . . . and this new-fangled piece of hardware called the "Play Station" by Sony of all people. Yeah, as if *they'd* stand a chance (I thought). After graduating college, I had left video games behind. Aside from my SNES, which still saw the occasional use, I just had no desire to delve into the current crop of home console madness. Until I saw RE. Just one test run had me hooked, and I ended up purchasing a used PS1 system and a copy of this game right on the spot! For the entire month of July after college, I combed every square inch of virtual real estate this title had to offer. The atmosphere and pathos of being trapped in a spooky mansion fighting leagues of zombies and other assorted bio-engineered baddies really gripped me in the worst way imaginable. Moreover, I was completely snookered in by the engaging story. It's dark and mature-rated subject matter showed that Sony's new system had balls, something Nintendo very rarely demonstrated anymore. Since I was now a grow-up gamer, I needed grown-up games to appease me. Resident Evil offered this up and then some! So, yeah, RE was my gateway drug. Which, I guess, makes Sony my pimp daddy, no? Thanks, Sony!


01) Ninja Gaiden (NES)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Before 1989, there was no console game called Ninja Gaiden. And before Ninja Gaiden, there were no games with cinematic cutscenes between stages, like so many miniature movies playing out in 8-bit wonder. Nowadays, this is standard issue of course. But back in the late 80s, this was fairly exciting new ground being broken. And I fell headlong into a whirlwind love affair with this series that has pwned almost every waking moment of my childhood, teen, and young adult life. But lets backtrack to the game that started it all. A friend at school lent me the game in the Spring of 89, stating that it was simply too difficult to be beaten. But when I popped the cartridge into my little grey box, immediately I was gripped by the opening cinematic displaying the now legendary duel between the villain, Malth, and Ryu Hayabusa's father, Ken. Ryu set out to get some old-fashioned ninja revenge and, along the way, found himself delving deeper and deeper into a global conspiracy involving double-dealing CIA agents, monstrous demons, and a madmen intent on unshering in hell on Earth. The ridiculous difficulty level of the stunts and enemies thrown the player's way made this not one of but THE most challenging game of the 8-bit console generation, yet it is the one thing I can claim genius at without blinking. For I not only went on to beat this supposedly unbeatable title, but own it in every single way imagineable. I learned all the tricks and skills, figured out all the angles, and memorized every single location of enemy movements and collectible items. I can beat the game without ever losing a life (yeah, you read that right!), and can even make it all the way to the penultimate chapter without even being touched. In this one arena, I can claim that I am king. I have never met or even heard of anyone that can match me. I know it sounds like arrogance (and, yeah, it is), but you simply don't understand how much I love this game! It, above all other titles, defines me as a gamer. Even to this day I cannot get tired of playing this. It's weird, I know. I should seek help, sure. But honestly, if this is insanity, then commit me now!

======================================================================================

And so, there you have it. As I stated above, you may disagree with the exact ordering of this list. You will most certainly cry foul at the absence of certain other lauded titles, or question how a couple of these games can be on anyone's Top 10 list. But, as I mentioned, this is strictly based on my own personal experiences. Like in biology, my gaming DNA is uniquely different from anyone else's. The buliding blocks of titles that make up my digital pedigree are varied and distinct. While you may have your own list, I'm sure everyone can agree that there have been some games released over the past 30-odd years or so that have truly changed the face of entertainment and pop culture in general, and the video game industry in specific. Games are the currency of my ideas. They have helped mold and channel my imgaination, which of course enhances my writing.

Today I am still gaming strong, expending most of my energies between the Xbox 360 and PS3. Of course, I have a lot less time to game than I used to as a kid. Whole weeks can go by between sessions -- sometimes even months! But even the new-fangled designs and technologies of today's cutting-edge developments cannot stymy my enthusiasm.

In fact, they continue to feed it!

Monday, December 1, 2008

10 Things That Make Me Different From You

Just thought I have a little fun and reveal 10 not-so-outrageous secrets about myself that are off the beaten path, so to speak, but interesting even to those who think they know me.

If you're up to it, reveal 10 things about yourself in like fashion and let me know.

  1. I cannot stand seafood. I'm not allergic to it, nor do I have any bad associations with *fruits de mer* or anything like that. I've just never had a taste for it.

  2. Circuses bore me to tears. I don't know why, but humans performing acrobatic feats do not impress me. Cirque du Soleil is particularly unengaging (sorry Ashe!)

  3. I listen to an eclectic mix of musical styles. But my number one favorite is Classical. The "presto agitato" of Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14; Puccini's sublime opera, Turandot; and J.S. Bach's Mass in B Minor. To me, there is nothing finer.

  4. Roller coasters don't thrill me. I used to get severely sick on them as a kid, and now they're just something I sit through and endure. I don't get what all the excitement is over them.

  5. The sight of a full moon over a darkened plain, moor, or even a high ridge electrifies me like no other scene in nature can.

  6. For a period of about three years when I was a child, my one goal in life was to become an ordained minister.

  7. No matter how many times I've gone fishing (and I've gone quite a few), I've *ALWAYS* caught at least one fish. Even when others don't. Some kind of weird fisherman's luck, I guess. Which is ironic considering No. 1 on this list.

  8. My greatest fear in life is drowning. And yet I'm an excellent swimmer.

  9. I have zero interest in nude "gentlemen's" magazines, as the clothed form is far more sensual and open to the imagination. I'm not a prude, I just find overt sexuality from strangers a turn-off.

  10. The absolute, most thrilling moment of my life? The night I waited in the cold by the abandoned bus stop for Lisa's Greyhound to pull in the first time she ever came to visit me at college. I'll never forget that moment, frozen in time as it were.
See, that wasn't so bad. Now's your turn! :-)

Popular On This Blog