Oh, The Things I Have (And Have Not) Done!

Over on Facebook, my good friend Rodney shared a pic that has been making the rounds. The pic is a list of 22 life experiences one may or may not have had, followed by an arbitrarily decided upon price point for each item on the list. To participate, you have to decided which of these activities you've done in your lifetime, then tally up the prices for each until you get your total. You then share that number with everyone on your timeline.

I won't be doing that part of the game here. But what I thought would be fun was to recreate the list, followed by a brief explanation for the one's I've done. The ones which I have not done will be highlighted in red.

Before I do this, however, a small disclaimer: the majority of these were done when I was much younger. I know, not an excuse, but hey . . . shit happens when you're young and stupid.

Now then, on to the festivities!



1.  HAD SEX:
Well, yes, obviously. I was in a relationship for 18 years, and married for 7. So needless to say sex was being had. Not an interesting statistic at all. However, to make it more interesting, I will say how old I was the first time it happened: I was 21. Does that surprise anyone? Well, it shouldn't.


2.  SMOKED:
Unfortunately, yes. Fortunately, it was only twice. I was a teenager, maybe 16 yrs old. My best friend and I were curious and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Technically it is illegal for vendors in New York City to sell cigarettes to anyone under 18 ... but living where we lived, that was not a problem. The first time I tried one, I definitely did not smoke it properly. I didn't even inhale! The second time, I did inhale ... but was not impressed. I thought it was a stupid addiction, in fact, and never went back.


3.  GOT DRUNK:
Well, duh! If you're 37 years old and have never been drunk -- you're either a devout Muslim, and I applaud you. Or you are quite sheltered. That being said, I've only been truly, stinking drunk 3 times in my life. And on each of those occasions I was able to drag my sorry ass home and sleep it off. Well, one of those times I was already home, so yay! But, yeah, I don't drink very often. And when I do, I almost never drink enough to lose control. That's just not me.


4.  WENT SKINNY DIPPING
Nope. While I don't really see the appeal, to be honest I've never had the opportunity, either. One never knows . . .


5.  KISSED SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX:
This is stupid to include on the list. This and No. 1 makes me think that this was devised for much younger people on Facebook. I don't have anything interesting to add to this even. Except this fact: I was 17 when I had my first kiss.


6.  KISSED SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX:
Hell to the no! The only way I could ever conceivably do this is if I was either a) Drunk; b) Dared to, while drunk; or 3) Offered a large sum of money. While drunk!


7.  CHEATED ON A TEST:
Yeah. Not my proudest moment. Who are we kidding? That should be moments -- plural! I've cheated plenty of times on tests. Particularly in high school. What can I say? I never held very high opinions of standardized testing. If I could get away with it, even if I was fairly certain I knew the correct answer anyway, I would cheat just to make sure. There was a time when I would use any and all advantages at my disposal to get ahead.


8.  FELL ASLEEP IN CLASS:
Yes. Again, in high school. All the time. It's a wonder I ever graduated, and with honors to boot!


9.  BEEN EXPELLED:
Oh yes. Because of one such incident indicated in No. 10 below. I was constantly being bullied and picked on throughout most of my schooling. This particular incident occurred in junior high school. Some kid thought he could shove me and throw in a punch. But I ducked and laid him out flat. Literally. While wearing a baseball mitt on the other hand, too! While he provoked it, and others attested to this fact, we both ended up being expelled for a day. Luckily for me, it didn't go on my record.


10.  BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT:
Yes. Every single fist fight I've been in occurred while in school. It started in elementary when I was 9, and continued on up until high school. And I've never lost a fight. While I'm not proud that I allowed some assholes to get me to the point of actually being in a fist fight, I am proud to say that I never backed down once engaged.


11.  STOLE SOMETHING:
Sadly, yes to this. I used to steal candy and soda from the convenient store across the street from my junior high school. I had no real reason to do so, but this was really a crime of opportunity. So many kids from my school would rush into the place after class that the proprietor had no way of keeping an eye on all of us. And I was a particularly clever and nimble little boy. I could swipe something so fast you'd never see my hands move. And all the while I would be looking somewhere else and pretending to be barely clued in to existence. That was the trick, and it always worked! Until the one day when it didn't . . .


12.  DONE DRUGS:
No way. As Whitney said: Crack is whack!


13.  DYED YOUR HAIR:
No, I'm not a girl.


14.  CRIED YOURSELF TO SLEEP:
Of course! When you've had as many close family members die as I've had, this goes without saying. I've had other bad things happen to me in my life, too, so unfortunately I'm quite familiar with this practice. Who isn't?


15.  BEEN IN LOVE:
Yes. And broken out of it, too. It sucks. Again, I'm wondering who would answer "no" to this unless they're under 18.


16.  GOT CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING:
I could easily use my answer to No. 11 above for this, but that's too easy. One incident when this happened was when I was caught by my boss reading a book in a hideaway corner somewhere on the job site, when I should have been shelving the books. It's probably not such a hot idea for an avid reader to get a job working in the campus library!


17.  WENT STREAKING:
No. Not even while severely, falling down drunk would I ever do this. So stupid.


18.  GOT ARRESTED:
Surprisingly, no. Although I've done more than enough stupid shit on the streets and in the subways of New York to have been arrested, even if over no serious crimes. Misdemeanors, really. But I'm happy to say my fingerprints are NOT in the system!


19.  MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE:
God, how stupid are some of these? OF COURSE I HAVE! Like I said before . . . first time when I was 17.


20.  PEED IN THE POOL:
Yes, I'm going to have to plead my young age to this disgusting act. I've been swimming in pools since I was 6 years old, so I've peed in my fair share of 'em! What? That's what they invented chlorine for, right? No? Oh well ...


21.  PLAYED SPIN THE BOTTLE:
Yes. Nothing risque came out of it, though. And another surprising fact: I was in my mid-20s the first time I played this. Hey, some parts of my life were very sheltered, believe it or not. Consider that, as I pointed out in No. 1, I lost my virginity at age 21. Now it all starts to make sense, no?


22.  DONE SOMETHING YOU REGRET:
Who hasn't? Seriously! But if I had to pick one incident I really regret: When I was 5, my mother took us shopping down in the city. On the way back home we took the subway, where kids my age could just slip under the turnstyle for free. But, this one day I really wanted to see what it would feel like to spin the turny thing you have to go through when you're a paying adult. So I happened to spy this old woman with a ton of bags in her arms heading for the turnstyle. She set her bags down, dropped the coin into the slot, and then bent over to pick her bags back up before walking through. Right at that moment I ran through the turnstyle. It was so much fun! But then I turned to see the old woman bang right into it. She seemed really upset, and I ran away like the little chickenshit 5 yr old that I was. Even to this day I never forget that I've done something so terrible, and I beat myself up over it.


So there you have it, folks! No, I don't live a particularly daring or exciting life, but I dare say some of my experiences might be surprising to some of you.

And that being said: how many of these have YOU done? Or rather: which ones, by number only, have you NOT done? Let me know in the comments section below!

My Earliest Scaries

Hi. This is me, age 4. So for those counting, circa 1980 or thereabouts. Around this time, I was afraid of a great many things. The dark. Thunder 'n' lightning. Warm milk (yeah, don't ask). I was just thinking about this today, the crazy things that would frighten me as a boy. Some of it, like the warm milk mentioned above, doesn't make much sense to me now as an adult. It's an interesting reflection into the mind of a child, though, don't you think? I mean, it explains how we adults sometimes don't understand why kids wake up screaming in the middle of the night. All sorts of silly things scare them, and sometimes as a parent you can only try your best to understand. I'm not a parent, but I know parents. And, also, I remember my mother's reaction to my own "scaries" growing up. Unlike most people, however, I actually do recall many examples of my fears when I was child. Below are just a handful of the more entertaining ones. They revolved mostly around sound, oddly enough. And while some you'll just have to take my word for, others should be more obvious in their horrifying elements. I'm sure you share a few of these terrors yourself. Or, at least, the little version of you probably did, once upon a when.

The Path To Becoming A Writer

Found this pic posted up on Facebook this morning by several writer friends of mine, and I just had to share here because of how remarkably apt it is--especially for me. I mean, wow! You wouldn't know it, but I'm amazed that I meet 7 of the 9 prerequisites here, and have come close to or will eventually meet the remaining two requirements.

Holy hell! Of course, I won't be giving away the details of just which 7 I meet. But I can admit that, sadly, all of the negative ones have already happened to me. And that's all I'm going to say on that front.

Still, this comic strip reminds me of something one of my writing instructors once told me; a poignant lesson I've never forgotten. It was after I had taken a huge break of some 8 years from writing after graduating from college. I asked this instructor why, after so many years of almost no writing, did I suddenly have so much to say and write about? And her response was that sometimes we have nothing worthwhile to write about until we've gone out into the world and lived real life for a couple of years. In other words, our every day experiences shape us--for better or for worse--in ways that can directly correlate to our writing. The more of life's harsh lessons you live through, the more your writing takes on a nuance and discipline you might never have enjoyed before as a novice student.

Now, this is not to say that you had to have personally lived through a Shakespearean tragedy in order to become a good writer, no. However, I will say that age and experience has certainly changed the way that I write my stories now. The stories I wrote in my teen years were whimsical and full of cliches. And while the stuff I write today is still on the far-fetched and tropish side of things to some extent, I have noticed that my writing is oftentimes morally ambiguous now. My protagonists are not always these white-bread paragons of truth and justice, nor are my villains so simply evil for evil's sake. Or at least, I try not to make them so. I still get burned every now and then by my critique group (especially for my thinly constructed antagonists at times), but for the most part my writing reflects the increasingly complex moral world I find myself co-inhabiting with roughly 4.4 billion other hairless apes on this planet. Do any of us really know what we're doing in life? Do we???

Anyway, enough navel gazing for now. In other news . . . expect my weekly Game of Thrones recap to be a little late. I simply haven't had a chance to watch last Sunday's episode yet. But when I do, you'll be the first to hear about it.

In the meantime: how about you? Does this comic strip reflect your own path to becoming a writer? I mean, is your cat really that loyal? Really?

Think about it.

This Week's Quick Thrones Funny

The mid-season finale of South Park aired this past Wednesday, and what a pleasant surprise it was to find a Game of Thrones reference thrown in there:





So I guess this confirms that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are Thrones fans. Kewl! And is it just me, or did anyone wish that Cartman would just shut up and let Mr. Garrison carry on with his lecture in peace? It was certainly a more entertaining history lesson than I ever remember receiving in primary school.

On a side note, please excuse the bizarre sound quality. I don't know how this guy recorded this clip, but the voices are a bit off. Also, I would imagine this will be taken down from Youtube in short order, so get in while you still can--and enjoy!

Life Is Meaningless And Full Of Sorrow

No, I promise, I haven't gone EMO on you all.

Meet Henri -- Henri "le chat noir." Henri is a very depressed black cat, full of apathy and ennui. Happiness in the midst of routine everyday life eludes him, even as he's surrounded by luxuries, freedom (or sometimes lack thereof), and loving caretakers who try their best. In other words, Henri is . . . very, very FRENCH!

Of course, I jest. I have nothing against the French. Lovely people, really. These short-short films by one Will Braden are actually a hoot, voiced over in Henri's horrible French and just too adorable to ignore. They remind me of every pretentious French art film I've ever tried to sit through and failed. But if you live with or otherwise adore cats like I do, you'll no doubt get a kick out of the original Henri video as well as its sequel, Henri 2: Paws de Deux:





I believe Will put together this popular Youtube video 5 years ago, which as you know is a terribly long time in cat years. The sequel was just released a few days ago, and Henri is visibly older but no less apathetic with his life. And his French has not much improved either, poor kitty! On the flip side, he does have a new energetic white companion to share in his misery:





I've been cracking up to these videos all morning. I love them!

Lord Varys Says: All My Little Birds React To Ep. 12

Tweet, my little birdies. Tweet, tweet!

Over at Winter Is Coming.net, regular contributor Fire and Blood, aka (FaBio), has gone and collected all the Twitter tweets from the night Ep. 12 "The Night Lands" aired. Click here to read the full collection of what regular viewers like me and you had to say as they watched the episode, intercut with FaB's colorful commentary. People say the funniest things about this show, which is just the epitome of cool and says a lot about its popularity. Go on click, I guarantee you'll enjoy these.

In fact, here are some of my favorites:

"@tmunzar:  You know a TV Show kicks major ass if you never ever skip it’s opening theme and credits."

"@Paco_ICEandFIRE:  LMAO OMG EAT HER FISH PIE!!! THATS ALL VARYS WOULD BE ABLE TO DO ACTUALLY!"

"@PaleGirlSquad:  Holy crap! Theon is of the House of Cthulhu!!!"

"@HEELSherrod:  Greyjoys have an epic ass den! release the Chimney!!!!"

"@AustinH_24seven:  The next time I compliment someone’s clothing, I’m going to follow up by asking if they paid the iron price for it."

"@MelRedPriestess:  Melisandre is dark and full of Stannis."

"@YgrittetheWild:  Well, Stannis certainly screwed over Westeros. #GOT140 #puns."

"@FYWinterfell:  Jon Snow! Why are you going out there? Jon Snow, you know nothing!"

"@LoriTweets:  Oh, Jon. The thing about Starks: they always get caught investigating shit. SEND SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT."

"@eddywards84:  Is there anyone that knows whats going on in #GameOfThrones or am I just thick?"

LOL! at that last comment. Some people need to pay closer attention than others, methinks. Game of Thrones isn't the type of show you check Facebook and update your contacts on your mobile while watching. I personally watch it with the lights off and my eyes GLUED to the tv screen for the entire hour. Nothing disturbs me during this time. Nothing!

Goodbye, Jim!

As I posted a while back here, I've started watching the blu-rays of the original 1960s Star Trek show which I received for Christmas. I'm on season 2 and have finally come across one of my favorite episodes from that series -- "Amok Time," where Spock returns to his home world of Vulcan in order to participate in an ancient marriage ritual hearkening back to his people's violent past.

Yes, this is the episode where Spock and Captain Kirk FIGHT! Not only was this episode brilliantly written, but it contains some of the most iconic music this show is known for. Especially during the scene where the two good friends must battle each other for their lives:





However, watching this scene invariably reminds me of the famous Jim Carrey parody included in one of my favorite dark comedies of the 90s, The Cable Guy. In it, he and Matthew Broderick go to Medieval Times and Carrey's character bribes the show operators to allow him and his "best buddy" onto the arena floor for a memorable match--unfortunately to the surprise of Broderick's character. Hilarity ensues, especially if you watch the above clip from Star Trek first, then followed by the one below.

I mean, this is fucking HILARIOUS by a Warp Factor of 11! :)





Tell me you are not amused.

Don't Be That Person -- Facebook Edition

Okay, this is my post where I kvetch about all the annoying things you do on Facebook that you probably don't realize are annoying to others, and which you probably shouldn't do. And by "you" I don't mean you, the lovely people who follow this blog. Because you are all cool and not annoying like that.

No, this is a list of Top 10 "DON'Ts" for all those other people on Facebook who annoy the hell out of me. If you happen to be reading this and recognize some of your own shortcomings, don't worry. I've been known to flub a bit on a few of these points as well. This is not meant to be taken THAT seriously, now.

Whale People, Rude People . . . And Robot People!!!

Ah, Mondays in New York City. It can make a person want to go on a homicidal chopping spree.

So, I've talked about it before and I'll do so once again here: I do so HATE overly large people on the subways! They always want a seat, but yet they take up the equivalent space of around 2 or 3 fully grown men. And some of them are quite selfish about it, too. You see it all the time during rush hours. Three or four people sitting to a bench on the 4 train. One person--let's say a petite young co-ed--gets up at the next stop, leaving behind just the tiniest of spaces for someone else of equal size to sit in her place. But nooooo! Someone of equal size does not sit there next. No. For some reason Shamu in heels decides this seat is for her. Never mind the fact that she has to physically shove aside the unsuspecting passengers sitting next to her fat ass on the bench in order to park her profound rotundness in this here tiniest of spaces. No, clearly this one did not learn Newton's basic principle of physics: that "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

So there these poor people sit, now squeezed tighter than a can of sardines, slipping out of their own seats, and miserable for the rest of their ride. Mind you, this didn't happen to me. I wasn't one of those poor unfortunates sitting down when E. Honda in drag (Street Fighter video game reference) decided to ride the subway this morning. But I was standing nearby, and I sympathized with my fellow straphangers.

Now, on the return trip home? The trains were PACKED beyond belief. I barely squeezed myself in before the doors slid shut on me at Fulton Street station. At the next stop, a bunch more commuters squeezed in behind me. One dude came on and refused to remove his backpack, despite the fact that another guy was trying to get on behind him. This guy kept saying "excuse me" to the dude with the backpack, but was ignored. So the other guy got PISSED and grabbed this dude by the neck and yanked him clean off the subway! He then jumped on in his hastily vacated place, before turning around and cursing out backpack man something fierce.

Sheesh! All this just to catch the train? I now know why people get stabbed and/or shot commuting home.

See what I have to put up with on a daily basis, people? I tell ya, living and working here in the big city takes a special breed of survivor. Tourists who visit are always such easy marks because they simply cannot tap into the frenetic rhythm running like DC current throughout the streets of this mean ol town. It's no wonder that the minute I come home and step through the front door, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. As if I just barely survived to live and commute another day.

Can you believe it?

Well, that was my Monday. How was yours?

And before I leave, how about some levity? This SNL clip is in honor of my awesome friend and blog buddy, GYSC. Don't worry, pal, you still have plenty of years left before the metal ones decide to come for you.

And they will!

Running Errands . . .

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this here before, but my job has a sweet setup by which we get to work extra hours during the two-week pay period in order to have one day off within that same time. So myself, I get every other Friday off throughout the year! This is great because I tend to use these days to get most of my errands done that I can't get done on a work day or on weekends. Some of the time I use it to go to doctor and dentist appointments. Sometimes I visit friends. Mostly, though, I use it just to chill out at home and recharge my batteries since Friday happens to also be my one and only non-workout day of the week.

But then there's days like today where I have to go to the nearby parking garage in my neighborhood and take out the Zipcar to replenish our dwindling food and household supplies at home. Zipcar is awesome for those of you who don't know what it is. It's a car rental service, but you can rent by the hour -- or even half hour, if you want. Best yet, if you live in a big city like I do, chances are there's a parking lot near you that has anywhere from 4 to 8 cars available to all members. You call or go online to set up your reservation, stroll up to the lot closest to your house, and find the car that matches the one you picked out. Then you simple put up your membership card to the RFID box behind the windshield, and the doors automatically unlock for you. It's so simple! Once you're done, you bring the car back and never have to worry about finding parking or maintaining the vehicle. Oh, and insurance and gas is already included in your reservation price.

Like I said -- AWESOME!

So, anyway, around every 6 to 8 weeks or so I make a Zipcar drive up to the Costco in the next county. It's a chance for me to get out on the road (which I love), but then I have to shop (which I loathe). Still, it's a necessary evil since what I buy at Costco saves me a helluva lot of time, effort and money at the local grocery stores here in the city. But today as I went about my normal routine, I stopped in the refrigerated section where all the milk and orange juice is stored. And I realized, not for the first time, how strange the arrangement here is. Take a look:

See? That there is the side of the room where all the many gallons of milk are stacked. I'm a big milk drinker, always have been. So a sight like this does a body good for me. But here's the funny thing I noticed about this arrangement -- all the healthy, fat-free milk is kept as far away from human contact as possible. See, first up there in the forefront of the image are all the red-labeled whole milk. Right behind them are the blue and greens of the 2% and low-fat milk. And what about the pink fat-free milk? Well, they can't be seen from here . . . not until you walk all the way to the back and find them hiding in some forgotten corner like heartbroken step children sent to the basement with no supper. The nerve!

Seriously, what's the deal with that? Why is it always such a chore to find the non-heart attack causing milk in stores? Is it a conspiracy? Or, perhaps more people want--nay, DEMAND--their fatty fat fat dairy? I know, I know . . . most likely it's for the kids. The kids, they say, they be needing their whole milk. And I guess that's true. I would never want any kid to go without their essential daily fat content. Lord knows this country has a serious skinny-kid epidemic, after all.

Still, for a wild moment there I thought that perhaps all my precious fat free milk had fallen off a truck somewhere in Jersey -- ACK!!! I was so relieved to find out such was not the case. *phew*

Anyway, I ended up making my usual circuit around the giant Costco warehouse. I always get a lot of stares from people--mostly mothers--because I'm a young guy shopping by myself with a TON of food in my cart. And because it's Friday in the middle of the morning, too! But that's just the way it has to be. It's too expensive to keep a car full time in the city, so Costco runs can only come when we can get the Zipcar and when we really need to go.

Oh, and I should mention that it wasn't all serious grown-up shopping I did today. Of course I had to snag a nice new tech toy for me to play with on the way out of the warehouse. Now usually I don't look to Costco for my gadget needs. I mean, ewww! But lately my crappy bargain printer at home has been going through its last moments on this Earth. I had gone to Costco with the intention of buying some replacement ink cartridges for it, but to be honest . . . this thing needed to be put out of its misery already. So, even though I had not intended to go all out like this, I ended up wandering over to the electronics section of the store and snagging this:

That there is an HP 4500 Wireless all-in-one machine sitting on my desk in the den! It does print jobs, faxes, scans -- and photo copies, too! And all within pretty much the same footprint as my old crappy printer-only contraption. See, here it is all properly set up and beautiful, sitting in the spot where our old Lexmark ink-jet used to be:

And it runs like a charm. I absolutely love it! I can't believe I waited this long for something that is so essential to a household of professional working adults. Hooray for technology!

Speaking of technology, I had a funny moment when I was leaving Costco and heading for the car in the parking lot. See, Zipcar has an Apple iPhone app (naturally, of course) which you can use to make reservations or edit an already existing reservation. But the coolest feature of this app is the ability to lock or unlock the car from afar before you even get to it. This is useful if, like at Costco, you're pushing a heavy shopping cart full of supplies through the lot while dodging clueless drivers seeking that elusive empty spot. Simply pull out your phone before you set off and push the "unlock" button in the Zipcar app. And by the time you get to the car -- presto! You don't need to fish for the keys!

But Zipcar has this amusing message when you first push the "unlock" icon. It says: "Your request is being sent to space and back. This should only take a sec . . ."

As a sci-fan fan and writer, I get a huge kick out of this! But it also reminds me of the stand-up comedian Louis CK, and his rant about how we don't appreciate all the cool technology we have nowadays. Here, check out this clip below where he takes on people's ridiculous frustrations with something as wonderful and useful as cell phones (the relevant part begins at the 1:40 minute mark):





LOLZ! This is so true. People need to have more patience. Especially considering the alternatives we used to have not all that long ago.

How do you feel about today's technology? Useful tools you find yourself increasingly unable to live without? Or annoying demon gadgets placed here on this planet to annoy the crap out of you? Sound off in the comments below.

I Have A Confession To Make . . .

Okay, this has been weighing heavily on me all these years. But, finally, at the start of the new baseball season, it's time for me to come clean. Yes, I'm sorry if I've hurt anybody with this terrible secret I've been harboring over the last three years I've run this blog, but today I will once and for all put all the rumors to rest.

Yes, for today I reveal that I am not David Batista. I am, in fact, this man:

Yup . . . I am really Carlos Beltran, center fielder for the NY Mets! Some of my more savvy followers have remarked upon the resemblance on more than one occasion here. Needless to say I had to quickly edit those comments out before the secret got out of the bag. But alas, you guys were right. All along, you knew the truth. The secret is too much for me to bear, I'm afraid, and now I can finally breathe with a sigh of relief.

Phew! That feels good.

:)

Okay, okay . . . that was my very lame attempt at an April Fool's Day prank. Seeing as how it's rather late in the day (against the rules in some countries, in fact), it's probably not a very effective prank now.

But on a serious note I thought I'd use this opportunity to address an issue that's been bugging me. Which is: that I'm getting so f'ing tired of people telling me that I look "JUST LIKE" this dude Carlos Beltran for the Mets. Sometimes people think I *am* him. But most of the time they just wonder if we're related.

Ick! As if. In case it wasn't made clear before, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Yankees fan. Born, raised, and still residing in the Bronx. I've lived only a long home run away in the very shadow of Yankee Stadium for most of my life. Hell, I can see into the place from my windows:

That's the old Yankee Stadium on the left; the current one on the right.

So it goes without saying that the last team I'd want to be associated with are the NY Mets. Damn! Why couldn't Beltran be a Bronx Bomber? You know, it's probably only the fact that I wear a NY Yankees fitted cap so often that people don't think I'm him outright most of the time. You should see the double takes thrown my way whenever I walk around my block during game time at the stadium. Hil-lar-ious!

To be honest, though, I really don't think I look that much like this guy. Okay, maybe a little bit. But not enough. Here's a side-by-side comparison:

So what do you guys think? Were we separated at birth?

I'm actually one year older than Beltran, however. And he was born in Puerto Rico, whereas I was born here in New York City. Also, the portion of my father's family (including my pops himself) that hails from that part of the world is from the Dominican Republic, staunch enemy of the "Ricans."

Still, if only I could parlay this resemblance into some VIP treatment here in the city. Unfortunately, the Mets suck donkey balls. Always have. Just look at their season opener earlier today. They were left drawing blanks against the Marlins for 7 freaking innings, to eventually end up losing 6-2!!! SMH.

Oh well, at least New York has more than one baseball team. That's our saving grace right there. Can you New Yorkers imagine a world where the Mets are our only hope? I shudder to think . . .

Oh, and YAY to the official start of baseball! I'm very excited for the new season. I have to decide how many games I'll get to go to this year, though. I need to scale back a bit because tix at the House That Steinbrenner Built are obscenely expensive. Damn tourists! But since it only takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the front gate at Yankee Stadium, I feel kind of guilty not taking advantage of that convenience.

Anyway, Happy April Fool's Day to everybody! Hope's it's been a good one.

Spelling Bee

You know what I find funny about being a writer? When those around me, for some inexplicable reason, expect me to be this master speller or grammar Nazi. I mean, seriously? I laugh at this because--dudes, you really don't know writers! We're lazy. And some of us, even, barely literate!

Okay, okay . . . that last one is a bit of a stretch. But what I mean to say is, writers are the same cross-selection of society as any other lump grouping of people with similar interests. Some among us are good spellers, sure. Exceptional spellers, perhaps. But sadly most are not. Luckily for me, writers don't necessarily sell work because they're God's gift to the English language, but because they know how to spin an entertaining yarn that readers enjoy reading. Spelling mistakes and "grammos" come with the territory because--hey--we're only human, too. Not robots.

That all being said, I do consider myself a decent speller. More importantly, I'm fairly well-versed in that there reading thing. Reading's been my constant companion since before I had real life flesh-n-blood friends to call my own. And yet--gasp!--I'm actually human, so I've made plenty of errors in my writing over these many years. More than a highly literate person should make, perhaps.

Big whoop, I say. That's what proofreading is for. And good copy editors!

But, you know, it got me thinking about certain pesky words which I can never seem to spell correctly. And it's a fairly substantial list, I might add. But over the years I've been able to whittle it down some by employing certain mnemonic tricks.

For instance, I used to never get the word "government" correct. I would always forget the "n" in the middle there, see? Until one day I decided to break the word down into two parts: "govern" and "ment". I knew the word "govern" was a real word in its own right, so from this point on it was easy to think of that word when attempting to spell the other. Ever since, whenever I type "government" I find myself putting more emphasis on the second syllable in my head and remembering the word "govern". Hey, I just did it now!

Another trick, although juvenile (but hey, that's why it works!), is the one I employ to spell "assassin" which, as you can see, has a disturbing amout of "s" letters in there. The trick for this, again, involves breaking the word down into its component parts: "ass" "ass" "in". So, if you're still with me: that's two "asses," and one "in". Hey, the second coming of Oscar Wilde I am not. What can I say?

Anyway, all that being said, I still have a list of words which--try as I might--I cannot seem to ever get right. Here are a few of them:


Rhythm.  Oiy! This one is a constant thorn in my side. I have no idea how other people can spell this one correctly. And what's funny is, the harder I concentrate to get it right without resorting to a dictionary or a spell check program, the worse the result becomes. Personally I think it's due to the disturbing lack of vowels in this word. And I'm one of those people that consider the letter "y" to be an impostor vowel, too! So, if I stare at this word for too long, it starts to look like Russian to me. I hate this word.


Possess.  Once again, the letter "s" is the culprit here. I always misspell this by using only one s in the middle and two at the end. Don't you just hate that?


Conscious.  The "s" before the "c" -- it gets me every. single. time! I spell the word "concious," and then spend the next minute trying to determine if that looks right or not. Why? I have no friggin clue!


Necessary.  This one is bizarre because instead of unintentionally taking away an extra letter in the middle of a word, I erroneously add one instead. "Neccessary" is how I usually spell this, and then have to sit there and wonder what I did wrong when the dreaded red squiggly line of doom shows up in Word.


Banana.  Again, I'm usually guilty of adding an additional letter where none is required. This time, it's the letter "n" in the middle of this particular word, so that it looks like "bannana". Go ahead, laugh you bums. But it's not funny!


Posse.  I swear, how this word does not have an extra "e" at the end is beyond me. When I say it aloud, I just need that additional "e" there. It's like a deep seeded want that, despite my best efforts, is never correct. What, does "possee" just look wrong to the spelling authority people? Whenever I see the correct spelling, I have the tendency to sound it out as only one syllable -- like "poss" with a silent "e". I need that extra letter there at the end to convey a bi-syllabic pronunciation, I suppose. Do I need help, or does anyone else have this problem?


Judgment.  Okay, again, where the hell did that "e" go? Doesn't this word look ridiculous without that "e" to other people besides me? I keep getting this wrong because whenever I use the same trick I use with "government", as demonstrated earlier, things go horribly wrong. So let me get this straight: The root of this word is "judge," but yet "judgement" is the incorrect spelling? Says who? What the hell, English language, can't you get your rules straight? Although, I'm sure the rule must be that exceptions are made for words ending in vowels. Or something like that. You can't apply the -ment suffix to a word ending in a vowel, is that it? I wouldn't know since I have zero retention of my phonics lessons from back in the 2nd grade. Stupid English! *grumble, grumble*


Desert.  This one isn't so much about misspelling (although I'm sure that's partly my problem), but about incorrect word choice. Whenever I mean to use "desert" I use "dessert" instead, and vice-versa. I never seem to remember which is which. The only trick I can employ to know when to use which, is that the one with the double "s" is more tasty than the other, thereby deserving of the extra consonant. And yet, I still get this wrong more often than not. Grrrr!


Success.  Yet again, I'm at a loss with this one. Okay, so let me get this straight: "necessary" only has one "c", but "success" has two? Bwah? How the hell am I supposed to remember these rules? Seems rather arbitrary if you ask me. Although I can usually get this one right by using the break-down rule into its constituent syllables: suc-cess. Hmmm, it "sucks" first, before . . . er . . . "cess"-ing? Hmm, okay, maybe I need to rethink this approach. But, anyway, again I say -- WTF, English language? Why are you trying to kill my brain?



Well, I think that's enough for now. I know there are a few more words that need to go on this list, but right now I seem to be drawing a blank.

How about you guys? Any words that, despite you knowing better, you simply can never seem to spell right? I'm not expecting you to have the same ones as on my list -- we each have are own issues, after all. Some words I can't figure out are probably like, pfft!, so EASY for some of you. But then, perhaps some of the ones you get stymied on are like cake to me. Such is life.

So please do let me know in the comments section below. I would love to read some other examples out there, if at the very least so that I don't feel so special. And by "special," I think you all know what I mean.

Dead Island Trailer Parody

Okay, now normally I wouldn't want to keep bugging folks reading this blog about the same thing so often . . . but I just had to post up this vid of Toby Turner's (aka, Tobuscus) latest installment to his "Literal Trailers" line of promo parodies. This time he's poking fun at the most recent Dead Island trailer, which I first talked about just last week.

The gag behind Literal Trailers is that Toby takes the footage and music from the trailer, and then sings his own interpretation in the same melody to exactly what's taking place up on the screen -- in other words, a *literal* translation of the trailer. It's HILARIOUS!

But first off, before watching the literal version, refresh your memories by watching the original Dead Island trailer.

All set? Cool. Now watch Toby's version below:





I swear, it was SO hard for me to keep a straight face through this. I was in "literal" pain after it was over. OMG, was not expecting to laugh so much so early in the morning! My favorite part? "Prin-cess . . . of Persia" LOL! You have to be a gamer to get the reference, but it's so spot-on funny!

You know, I'm not so sure how humorous this would be to anyone else on second thought. But it was to me, and this is my blog, so therefore -- SUCK IT!

No, no. I don't mean that. You don't have to suck it, or even find the trailer funny. But if you do, and if you would like more where that came from, head on over to Toby's website. Or check out his "Tobuscus" site on Youtube, which collects all of his vids in one handy place.

I recommend taking a look at the literal trailer for the game Dead Space 2, also. Again, before watching it, you might want to first watch the original trailer for Dead Space 2 here. Then check out the Tobuscus version here. I think the Dead Island one is funnier, personally. But the DS2 one is pretty hilarious in its own right.

Heh, heh.

Something Special For The Holiday

Ah, it's that time of year again. When amor is in the air, and Cupid's arrows are set loose upon hapless, love-starved singles all over the world.

But for those guys already in relationships: what do we get our significant others when there is nothing else left to gift? Why, something so unique it cannot be spoken aloud on air!

I'll let my friends Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake take it from here . . .




(And, yes, I know this is technically for Christmas . . . but it's still applicable, dammit!)

I Envy You, Coffee Drinkers!

I've mentioned it a couple of times here and there on this blog . . . but I'm not a morning person. When I have to get up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for work, that's pretty much all that I can manage to do. I hit the alarm, jump in the shower, get dressed, and leave the house to catch the subway into Manhattan. That's it. That right there is the extent to which I can muster up the energy to do anything in the morning.

I know to many of you this is no big deal. Go to bed earlier, you say. Or, just suck it up and do what you have to do. We all have to deal with this!

But, here's the rub: unlike most of you, I can't rely on caffeinated beverages to get me going in the morning.

And it's not due to health reasons, or cultural taboos, or a hatred for artificial stimulants. No, it's all because caffeinated drinks taste GOD AWFUL to me. I've been told it's an acquired taste, but apparently I'm in that very small subset that will never, ever enjoy the taste of coffee and/or tea.

The problem is, I sooooo wish I could! Coffee in particular smells heavenly in the morning. The aroma is so damn enticing, in fact, that occasionally I forget how crappy it tastes and give it a shot -- only to end up feeling sick to my stomach!

Keep in mind that I refuse to drink anything where I have to dump loads of sugar and milk into it just to make it better. If all it took was a single teaspoon of sugar, or small droplet of cream, to make coffee more palatable, then I might be a certified coffee aficionado today.

But, no. In order to get coffee tasting somewhat decent to me I have to literally use 4 packets of sugar, and around a quarter cup of milk. No thank you. That's definitely not worth it. Similarly, unsweetened tea tastes like nothing but the pot metal the water was boiled in. I never could understand the draw of that.

So, as you can see, I'm hopeless. There I am unable to do much in the morning but the most mundane tasks. I imagine what it would be like if I had something to pep me up in the dawn hours. I speak to my writer friends, and they tell me that they write for an hour or two before heading out to work. Oh how I wish! That would greatly solve my evening time-management issues. Or how 99% of all people who run do so in the morning. That is so not me! And yet, I could benefit greatly from getting my workouts done before I shower in the morning, rather than when I get home from work. Again, this is biting in to what precious little evening time I have free after work.

So, what can I do? I'm removed from the benefits of a caffeinated culture, yet expected to function and operate as well as anyone else in the morning hours. It just doesn't happen. The gears inside my head don't truly start turning until late morning. Until then, I'm just one or two steps above vegetable soup!

Now, there's one last thing I forgot to mention. Because, after all, I can just hear the majority of you asking why I don't just force myself to drink the coffee despite the horrible death-like taste. Well, unfortunately I have another little quirk to reveal: caffeine doesn't actually have an effect on me. If anything, it actually makes me MORE sleepy. Yes, it's true!

Back in college, I took this way intensive summer language learning program on campus, which required that we spend 4 hours straight each morning in the same classroom jamming Chinese vocab, characters, and conversation drills into our brains until lunch time. I'm talking 4 hours of highly critical thinking here, where your brain needs to be at it highest alertness to process and retain anything. So, yes, I forced myself to drink two cups of coffee before class for three days straight. The verdict? I was even more tired! I think the coffee dehydrated me or something. It certainly didn't pep me up and make me a more alert student. I felt like such crap.

What a waste! Not only does the stuff taste awful, but it doesn't even do what it's supposed to do. Tea is even more useless. Thinking back to my soda-drinking days, it all makes sense now. It makes sense that I used to be able to drink a full can of soda before bed and sleep like a baby. I mean, WHO DOES THAT?

So, I envy you people. You who are so hopelessly addicted to your drug beverage of choice in the mornings. At least you have something that's guaranteed to wake you up and put you in a better mood for the rest of the day. Me? All I have is water. Maybe the occasional orange juice. To be honest, I *do* have generally higher levels of energy than most people my age due to my healthy lifestyle and lack of kids (yay!) . . . but I lose out on so much productivity because I just cannot do squat before 11:00 am most days.

Can anyone else spare some sympathy here?

No, you can't. All you can do is mock me, standing there with that double cappuccino-espresso-latte deluxe or whatever you call those monstrous beverages you cradle to your desk each morning. Is it funny that I don't even know the lingo? Honestly, I'm clueless to what all these terms mean. I'm like the stranger looking in, forever immune to that wonderful elixir culled from the hallowed bastions of the Donuts which Dunk, or the Stars that Buck.

But, at least, now you know. Now you know why I'm not a morning person.

Coincidentally, my wife cannot stand coffee, either. Although she will drink tea on occasion, hailing from a former British colony as she does and all. But we don't even own a coffee maker or basic pot in the house.

I know -- the HORROR!

So, are you a big time caffeine head? What is your poison of choice? Please tell me, so that I may hate you even more!

Interwebs Meme Madness (Part 3)

I mentioned before that these were originally meant to be completed on each Sunday, according to the blog Sunday Stealing. But, since I had arrived late to the party, I ended up completing these over the course of the last several days. So pardon me for breaking all the rules like the rebel that I am.

These 100 questions were divided into 3 parts. If you would like, click on Part 1 and Part 2 to view my answers to the first 67.

And, as always, please feel free to ask me in the comments below to elaborate on any particular response. Many of my answers have stories that go along with them.

In any event . . . now on to the next batch of questions!


PART 3
 
 
68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
So many to choose from. But, in the end, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! Yes, Highlander: The Series, imo, is the finest television show ever produced. I miss it so much!


69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU DON'T LIKE?
I'm a big believer in ignoring. No one gives the cold shoulder better than I do. No one.


70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Strawberry. Chocolate's a close runner-up, but when it's done right . . . nothing beats the strawberry. Yummmmm!


71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
On Earth I do, but not according to my homeworld.


72. SO IS IT GOING TO BE THE STEELERS OR THE PACKERS?
Before the Super Bowl I was already rooting for the Pack. Now I'm ecstatic! I'm so very delighted they defeated the hated Steelers.


73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Workout for an hour. Eat in front of the tv for another hour. Then write for the remainder of the night. The wife works the night shift today, so I'm on my own. And as you can see, I'm a paint the town red kind of guy.


74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU RETIRE?
Wherever I happen to be living anyway. By the time I retire, that may be on the moon or under the ocean. Who knows?


75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Why would I? You're all on your own, folks!


76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
J.S. Bach's "Brandenburg" concertos. That's right, I took it back old school to the 20s -- the 1720s, that is!


77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Water. I drink over 3 liters a day. Very rarely do I drink anything else.


78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My good friend from college, Cintra.


79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE SEX(ES) YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?
Eyes. It's always the eyes. Not the color or shape, but they're expressiveness.


80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Write fiction to sell, and play video games.


81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Any kind of ethnic pride. Black, White, Latino, etc . . . I loathe it all.


82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
It used to be Fall, because up where I went to school in Vermont, Falls were real Falls--crisp and cool! Down here in NYC lately, Falls are too hot and stuffy. So now I have to say Winter is my favorite. The colder the better.


83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Hershey bar with almonds. For some reason, every year I get a major craving for them in March when the weather transitions from Winter to Spring. Don't know why, but for about 3 weeks there I have to have a Hershey almonds bar almost every single day. Don't much care for candy the rest of the year.


84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
I've been blessed to actually have two! Two friends who have been like brothers to me, and whom I cannot place above the other. The first one I've known since the 4th grade. The second one, since just before the 9th. In some real ways, I would never have made it through life without 'em!


85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Weird. It's black in certain lighting. But in reality--particularly if I'm standing under the sun--you'll see that my hair is actually very dark brown. My father's hair was black, while my mother's was blonde. Black is always dominant!


86. EYE COLOR?
Dark brown. When I was a kid, they were more hazel. My mother's eyes were blue, so this might explain that.


87. SHOE SIZE?
For sneakers and some boots, 11.5. But for dress shoes or fancy cowboy-type boots, I'm a size 12.


88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Wendy's all the way! Although, the amount of times I eat fast food in a year can literally be counted on one hand. But, yeah, Wendy's has the best fries and nuggets!


89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
We don't have one favorite fancy restaurant. To be honest, that's a rotating door of choices. But in terms of your typical "mall" eatery, it would have to be Applebee's. Over the years I've grown quite sick of places like Chili's or TGI Fridays, but my wife and I have many fond memories there from back in the day.


90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
I can tolerate it. But, no, not really. I'm not big on any type of seafood, let alone raw.


91. WATCH TV TODAY?
Yup. I watch mostly historical or nature documentaries. Today, however, had a Pawn Stars marathon on the History Channel, so I watched a ton of that.


92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
In truth, every day is the same to me. Not even my own birthday is all that special.


93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
When I was kid, I played the baritone horn in the school band. But I always wanted to learn the violin.


94. POLITICAL PARTY?
Democratic. My entire family is Republican, though. We're not very political-leaning, so no fights.


95. KISSES OR HUGS?
I'm assuming you mean among friends or acquaintances? I guess hugs. The only people I'm comfortable kissing at all are my wife and my grandma.


96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
I could never do a one night stand. She could be the most gorgeous girl in the world, and that would be nice and all. But personality is what gets me really hot and bothered. Either you have one that's compatible, or you don't. The latter means no chance in hell!


97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
An iPhone for my wife. Was meant to be a surprise, but she was about to go pre-order one herself. So I had to break the news to her and ruin Valentine's Day!


98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSE SPOUSE?
My wife is a Nurse Practitioner -- she makes a helluva lot more money than I do! I'm too pragmatic to not be a house spouse if one of us absolutely had to quit their job and stay home (like, say, with the kids). Male ego be damned!


99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Who Fears Death, by Nnedi Okorafor.


100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Uh, you might not have noticed, but I'm married. So the correct response is: what is this thing you call "love life?" No, but seriously . . . in one word, it's: EXHAUSTING! :)

My Top 5 Favorite Super Bowl Ads of 2011 -- Plus, The First Avenger!

Personally, I find the whole concept of the million-dollar Super Bowl commercial spot way overblown. I mean, they're good . . . but they're not that good. Still, every year I do something very un-Batista like when I'm watching the big Sunday game, and that's: not using the Tivo buffer to fast-forward past all the commercials. Fast-forwarding through the commercials is a time-honored tradition in the Batista household. It's been going on since we got our first Tivo box back in 2001. This is up there as one of the best inventions of all time! And ever since I've been unable to watch normal, un-DVR'd tv again.

But on Super Bowl Sunday I revert back to the prehistoric agony of the 1990s. I actually force myself to watch every single commercial break. Like I said, it's not because I think that Super Bowl ads are God's gift to television or anything. No, I do it just so I can stay abreast and relevant of pop culture. Because, invariably, some of these commercials will be the talk of the office for the next week or so.

Now, with all that in mind then, allow me to present what I personally thought were the Top 5 commercials that aired last night. That's 5 out of a whopping 68 unique commercial spots! Some of these aired for the first time in America, while others were leaked onto the Net a few days prior. The top spot, for instance, was released an entire week before the big game. Wow, talk about impatient! Or maybe they just knew they had hit a home run out the park with this one, and realized that it wouldn't hurt to generate a little pre-game buzz?

Whatever the case may be, listed below in descending order from great to superior are my Top 5 picks.

Interwebs Meme Madness (Part 2)

Well, like I said I would, here is Part 2 of this ongoing Q&A meme. Even though I've done a number of these over the years I've been maintaining this blog, each new one reveals more zany facts about myself to those who might be interested. I especially like being asked to elaborate upon certain answers, so please don't be shy about asking down in the comments section. I promise I'll explain whatever you want me to.

And if you have not yet read Part 1 of this particular meme, click on this link to go back and, well, do so.

Also, I'm aware that number 36 is missing. I've searched all the preceding sources of this meme for it, but no one seems to know where it is. Oh, well.

In any event . . . now on to the next batch of questions!


PART 2
 
 
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY?
Yes, many times. Favorite countries so far are: France, Turkey, Italy, and the Bahamas. Still many, many more to visit.


35. WEAKNESSES?
Kyrptonian meteor rocks.


37. FIRST JOB?
Age 14. Part of a work crew painting 4 miles of lampposts, fire hydrants, and emergency alarms along a main thoroughfare in the South Bronx. Oh, did I mention this was in baking July heat, while being pelted by all sorts of trash from tenement residents above us? Yeah. Good times!


38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Too many to count. I was a bored kid.


39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?
No such thing. But I do believe that there are plenty of people out there who are very compatible with any one person at any given place or time. You may or may not find one of these matches. No invisible force guarantees that you will, however.


40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE [THIS MEME]?
Seeking out new life and new civilizations, boldly.


41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
No thanks.


42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My ability to express the mathematical constant of Pi to at least 50,000 fractional digits. No, wait . . . my shoulders. Women seem to like my shoulders.


43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No, never. I had enough trauma growing up wearing glasses. Thankfully, my teeth have always been perfect.


44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm married to her.


45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND WHAT DO YOU WANT THEIR NAMES TO BE? (OR IF YOU HAVE KIDS, TELL US ABOUT THEM.)
Pick a number from zero to zero. Their names will be: Dunno, Something, Um . . . and Lenny.


46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
King David from the Bible. I used to think this was cool. Then I read the Bible, and realized he was a two-timing, murdering, jealous scumbag. Yikes!


47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE SEX(ES) YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?
A woman who hates children or can't get along with them. Something's wrong there.


48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
When I was given a piece a paper written in Latin, then told I would never have to come back.


49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Pantene Pro V for Men. Scared yet?


50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I type up even grocery lists.


51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Maple honey-glazed turkey. Although I almost never eat lunch meat.


52. ANY BAD HABITS?
These aren't the droids you're looking for . . . move along.


53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
It's hard to be jealous when no one's better than you.


54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No. Look back at number 53 -- he's a cocky sonuvabitch, ain't he?


55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
If my friend can predict the future, then hell yeah I agree with the benefit of him hooking me up with those winning lotto numbers.


56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Only to the extent needed to determine basic hygiene and sanity of the other party. Otherwise, not very much.


57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
The cemeteries of the world are filled with . . . oh, video games. Yes, that.


58. WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS?
Gain 58 pounds. I would probably die from severe renal failure if I were to suddenly drop 58 pounds. But, OTOH, losing excess weight is extremely easy.


59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
To crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women. But I'd take a nice beach villa in southern France barring all that.


60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
The power socket. Never got old. WHOOOO!


61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Not including the area code, only three. No, seriously.


62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Barney Miller? Barney Rubble? Barney the albino serial killer, scourge of the lower East Side? If the last one, I heard he took on a secret identity as a costumed actor in a kids show during the 90s. That takes real balls, if you ask me.


63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Pfft! Whaaaa? Me????


64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Mac n cheese. I'm not a fan of formless, mushy foods. I should find out why one of these days . . .


65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A LOVER?
Orifices.


66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
I have none. The name's David. Nothing more, nothing less.


67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Self-regulating invincibility from all adverse aggressors. When you really think hard on it, this is the best and only super power you'll ever need.


Click here to read Part 3 of this meme.

Interwebs Meme Madness (Part 1)

A follower of The Bimillennial Man, KLo, had this questionnaire meme up on her blog yesterday. Apparently she got it from the Sunday Stealing blog, which in turn got it from somewhere else, which in turn . . . anyway, you get the idea.

Apparently this is a 3-part series, with each segment intended to be filled out every Sunday. But since I came to this late, I think I'll start the first leg now and then continue until the 3rd set is posted this coming Sunday. How's that sound to everyone?

As usual, my answers to some of these questions might surprise even those of you who know me very well. At the very least, it should be a fun exercise if you want to post your own answers up on your blog. If you do decide to do so, please let me know in my comments section below.

And now, on to the questions!



1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
On my left knee. I got it when I unfortunately mistimed a changing light at the bottom of a steep hill and flew down it at top speed on my mountain bike. A taxi cab intersected me and taught me a valuable lesson in basic Newtonian physics that day.


2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM
Mostly bare walls. I'm not big on hanging art.


3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
None of the above. I'm such a light sleeper that I would get no rest if I produced such unseemly noises.


4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
What have you got? No, seriously, I have as much loyalty to any one style of music as a wandering circus clown has to his women. Oh wait, that's a sad story . . .


5. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
7:14 am. The Hour of the Dragon in Chinese astrology.


6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Unlimited airfare to travel anywhere in the world and as often as I want.


7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Olden days of yore.


8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
Nothing at the moment. Everything I own is useless junk to keep me occupied if you really think about it.


9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
182 centimeters.


10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Walking through a narrow Parisian alley claustrophobic? No. Buried alive in a coffin claustrophobic? Uh, HELL YEAH!


11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Only when the lights are off.


12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
My grandma.


13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Suffocating.


14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON PEOPLE YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?
Usually the darker the better. But honestly, whatever works on you. I like variety!


15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
Already proposed. And it was on a moonlit horse and carriage ride through New York's Central Park.


16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Neither. I only need the power of the sun to get me going most mornings (fusion backup cells on cloudy days).


17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pepperoni. No, seriously . . . you better put some more on my slice, bucko!


18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Mmmmm . . . pepperoni pizza. Now I can't think of anything else, damn you!


19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Peppero--oh, oops! Sorry. Blue. I meant to say, blue. Wrote a poem about it once. Ah, my "Ode to Blue" . . .


20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
Hell no! I have a difficult time killing anything not meant to further my survival.


21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
My Spider-Man watch on my 7th birthday. We couldn't afford much, and mom went all out on that.


22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
I'm married. So my answer better be my wife -- which it is! (okay, honey?)


23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No. But my wife is. *wink, wink*


24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I'm a man. The brand that's called "just jeans and shirts," moron.


25. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Emmanuelle Chriqui. Classiness personified!


26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
No. I like to travel a lot. Pets just get in the way of all that.


27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Used to have a cat growing up. Best cat ever! (R.I.P, Tiger)


28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Yes. Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. Or something like that.


30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED?
A number from one to a hundred. (C'mon, you had to know I would)


31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I lean more toward the darker hues, but neither is a deal maker or breaker when it comes down to it. More important things to look for.


32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"I am not young enough to know everything." -- Oscar Wilde

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
Paris, France. Cannot get enough of that city.



And there you have it. As usual, if anybody would like elaboration on any of the answers above, just ask me in the comments section and I'll try my best to accommodate.

Click here to read Part 2 of this meme.

Is This Truly Portland?

Jacked this from the blog of SF writer and Portland, OR native, Mary Robinette Kowal. It's a skit poking loving fun at the city of Portland and starring Saturday Night Live alumn, Fred Armisen. Apparently it's a promo of sorts for an upcoming mini-series on IFC called "Portlandia," which I'm guessing takes place in this northwestern city. The tune of this video is catchy at the very least, but I can't attest to the authenticity of its claims of being perpetually stuck in the 90s since I've never been there. But check out the video for yourself below. And if you're from Portland, please chime in on the comments section with your impressions: