Monday, October 24, 2011

Dude, Don't Be That Dude.

Just a random observation I'm making about the workplace. And by workplace, I am of course referring to my own. I've worked in other offices, though, and have witnessed the same behavior. So I'm sure there's some measure of truth to this beyond the personal.

Anywho . . .

How many opportunities are there for men to make fools of themselves at the office? PLENTY, it seems! I don't know why this is the case, but I notice that anytime you have a reasonably attractive and/or fit female co-worker at the workplace, she becomes an instant target of some of the most dorkable kiss-assers we have employed. And the woman doesn't even have to be a knockout by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, there's no more criteria beyond the fact that she simply needs to not be, well, gross . . . and all the pathetic Y-chromosome losers come out of the woodwork! It's become a joke, I tell ya.

I was walking on the far side of the office (we all have one) where I hardly ever venture to since most of the people I need to interact with are very close to where I am. But while I was there, I noticed this one guy whom some of us have nicknamed the "Stalker." Stalker never seems to have any work of his own to do, apparently, because he spends most of his day just wandering from cubicle to cubicle of all the young presentable female co-workers on hand.

And how do I know he's a pathetic loser? Well, because of all I just described above! I mean, who the hell has the time to do this? What is the point? Socializing is one thing, but there's a limit. Hovering around a poor girl's desk making the most inane small talk while she obviously has much better things to do--you know, like WORK!--is just plain sad. This guy will stand there talking for 15 whole fucking minutes about the dumbest topics.

"Oh, hey, I see you like Mad Men. Oh, heh, that's a rad show." No joke, this is an actual conversation starter I overheard from Stalker. The dude has zero game, yet he hovers and hovers as if expecting to badger the woman into giving in and going out with him. Or perhaps he's hoping they'll take pity on his lovesick, puppy-dog eyes and throw him a bone?

Look, I'm not god's gift to dating. Far from it. It's been so long, I wouldn't even know how to go about the whole ordeal these days. But one thing I do know: no girl's attracted to needy. Or to desperate. Or to, well--pathetic! Guys like Stalker here need to take the hint: if you're constantly wandering over to some cute girl's desk, but she only responds to each of your sentences with monosyllabic vowel sounds . . . she might be hoping you'll go away. If you ask about her weekend, but she doesn't ask you about yours: maybe you're barking up the wrong tree. And if she never comes around to YOUR desk for idle chit-chat despite all the many times you've come to hers, you might have to reconsider that dream vacation for two you're thinking of casually bringing up to her when you can only drum up the courage (sometime next decade).

Because, DUDE . . . she's just not that into you.

Unfortunately, Stalker is not the only such hopeless case here. I was just observing this fact today because we have more than 3 on my floor. These guys show up at random to a co-worker's cubicle from clear across the office, or even from an entirely different floor! Yes, they go all out of their way to visit this person, even though the subject of said attention never returns anything but the most basic of human courtesies.

Ding-dong. Hellooooooo? That's your hint, McFly!

In a way, though, it makes me sad for women. Imagine having to be placed in a position to either endure the creepy stalker guy at the office, or be the bad person and have to tell him off? Because this is normal, every day life for most women at the workplace. There is always that one guy at the office who never leaves you alone. Sometimes, even, he might take it a step too far and the human resources people have to get involved. Yes, this has happened at my office a couple of times.

Guys, WTF? Where is your self respect? I'm sorry, I'm human just like the rest of you. But no woman, no matter how hot, is worth the loss of my self respect. And that goes double at the workplace where your job can literally be on the line. The way I see it, these "stalkers" at my job are only a Victoria's Secret gift certificate away from the handcuffs being slapped on.

I know you're desperate for some love, but there are so many better--not to mention successful--ways to go about it. My rule of thumb is to just be casual and do your own thing. Never go out of your way to bug someone who has other things to do. Say hi in passing, or ask them out to lunch if you must. Not in a date-y sort of way, but just as a friendly gesture. Especially if you know you two have something in common. If she doesn't seem receptive, then LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE!

No, seriously.

And, I realize the door swings both ways. I know that if there is a reasonably hot, well-dressed heterosexual male at the office that he can conceivably become the target of his very own obsessed female stalker. Believe it or not, I've been there but NOT done that! Still, how often do you see this? How often do you see a woman at the office going from cubicle to cubicle harassing all the reasonably attractive guys around? Again, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's very rare.

I'm sure a sociological study can be done on this, if one has not been done already. But in the meantime . . . sound off in the comments section if you know of the type, ladies. Or, to my male readers, if you have observed this behavior yourself. I won't insult my male readers by asking if perhaps you're this stalker person at your office. I know no creepies read my blog. Am I right? :)


getyourselfconnected said...

Great post! Science people are some of the most inept at talking to girls, it's just like you describe it. Too funny.

Yvonne said...

Ha! I think I've met the "Stalker" on more than one occassion! Boys will be boys I guess. But you're right, I've seen women do it to men as well. It becomes annoying really fast. I consider myself to be a very nice person, but come on, how many ways do I have to tell you I'M NOT INTERESTED!? lol Ugh! You're so lucky to be out of this crazy dating world! :)

getyourselfconnected said...

Yvonne I miss by women, oh the college days!

David Batista said...

GYSC -- Heh. I could imagine!

Yvonne -- I figured you would have suffered through this. It seems rather unavoidable for the working hard woman. And, you know what? I won't lie. You're absolutely right! I do, in fact, feel so lucky not to have to go through the whole icky dating scene. I'm actually terrified at the mere thought. :)

getyourselfconnected said...

Meant to say miss stalked by women in comment, worst commenter ever.

David Batista said...

LOL! I thought you were trying to say "I miss my women." Haha! Hmm, makes one think you were a playa in your college days. :)

Botanist said...

Well, I've seen it, but not for a long time. Dunno if my current workplace is out of sync with the rest of the world, but it is an IT technical building, 500+ staff on site, and I just don't see that kind of behaviour.

Maybe it's because the genders are so evenly mixed at all levels of the organisation. In fact, of the 5 people in direct line above me, 4 are women. With that kind of balance there's no tolerance for inappropriate nonsense.

Kim Kasch said...

Hum...that would be sad and pathetic or just plain scary. My sis did have a stalker once - but that was a very long time ago. There are some advantages to getting old... ;)

Jennifer Hillier said...

I've always wondered why some guys just don't read signals very well. Because, here's a quick rundown:

If I don't look at you while you're speaking, I'm not interested.

If I don't ask you any questions after you've asked me five, I'm not interested.

If we accidentally make eye contact and I suddenly duck into a room I have no business being in, I'm not interested.

If every conversation we have ends with me saying, "I really have to go," more than three times with a wild-eyed "Help! I'm trapped!" look on my face, I'm not interested.

And you're right, David, a girl doesn't have to be that good-looking for this to happen. The key factor seems to be "Perceived Approchability" (yes, I made that word up). Oh, we had a nice conversation at the office Christmas party three months ago? THEN WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BY FOLLOWING ME AROUND?

Speaking from personal experience, girls like being chased. But we DO NOT like being smothered.

Enjoyed this post! :)

Yvonne said...

GYC - hahahaha no worries! I agree with Jen too! Funny post! :)

Rodney said...

I've seen this many a time myself, David. I've even helped a lady in this situation by calling off the "Stalker" into a nerd battle, thereby giving the girl a chance to disappear!

I think the root cause of this phenomenon is a mix of desperation and an inability to understand the lack of appeal he has to the opposite sex. In talking with the above mentioned "stalker", I found the dude was completely convinced he was God's gift to women. He was such an idiot that by the end of the conversation, I was ready to punch him in the face.

But that satisfaction wasn't worth the inevitable assault charge... :-)

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